Day 11!

As I know it is difficult to journal every single day, I am going to count on the fact that one does not have time to read every single day either. Meaning, you most likely have not missed me because you have plenty to do! Ha-ha!

I am 11 days into the book The Purpose Driven Life, but 28 days into my new year's resolution of "Change Me." It's going beautifully!

The 28-day me is more optimistic and has more faith. She feels closer to God now than in a long time. She feels more centered. She is more in touch with her family, her dogs, her friends and her heart. She has taken all of her credentialing exams (and has passed all that have reported to her... one report left to go!). She is up to date on her homework assignments for her teaching and learning theory class. The 28-day me has exercised 24 days out of the last 28. That's a record!

I am not rushing the book. Though I know it is designed to be read a chapter a day, honestly I like to spend more time with the concepts. And as I have been preoccupied with studying, some of my reading has fallen by the wayside on a few days. To this end I continue to attempt improvement. I know if I got up an hour before the rest of my family I would get bible study in every single day. Now that I feel I have the physical fitness piece figured out, I am going to focus more on the spiritual.

Baby Steps.

The Head Part & the Hard Body Part

Okay, so I typically define these steps separately but today they go together. I have so much to share!

First of all, the 28-day me is HEAVIER and her waist is BIGGER. Nope, not kidding. 20 years ago, 24 days of exercise would have MELTED weight off of me! I am not naive. I knew that would not happen here, but can I be honest? I was hopeful!!!! I haven't exercised regularly in so long I really thought that perhaps, just maybe, pretty-please, my body would surprise me. It hasn't it. :(

The day I committed to working out daily for 40 days was the day I also made another, subconsious deal with myself. I've pondered this and I suspect that deal went something like, "Okay, so I'm going to be MAKING myself exercise daily. So, in essence I'll be giving up something... my slovenly ways... a little TV... an extra hour of sleep. And as I am giving up something, then I will also get something. That something will be to eat what I want, in the amount I want, when I want. I deserve it b/c I am sacrificing other things. And I can't just sacrifice anything without getting something in return." In short, I can't SURRENDER without getting something. (Yes, you heard me. Still working on the surrender thing.)

Hmmm... help me purpose-driven readers. What is up with that? Okay, I've analyzed it, but I'd be interested to see if you share in any of this type of thinking.

So, I won't spend too much time on my childhood here, but I must touch on it to sum up what is going on with this give-up-to-get mentality. We were poor. We had food, mostly hand-me-down clothing, and one car. We were not allowed to do anything extra-curricular or social, due to financial and transportation constraints. Most of the time I felt pretty bad about myself and my situation. Yes, it could have been worse, but as a child you can hardly know that. One way my mother showed us love was to bake us amazing treats. There were no food rules in our house. No one made us clean our plate, shoved broccoli down our throats, or limited the amount of soda we drank. Fresh baked cookies and cakes daily filled the "poor" void, and on most depressingly empty summer days I ate myself into oblivion. I must have had an amazing metabolism because I skinny until my early twenties. And so, I suspect that somewhere deep rooted in my desire to belong and be loved is this false life belief, "I feel loved and accepted by eating sweets. When I taste something sweet, I know my parents love me. I know I am worthy. I know I am okay. Even though I am terribly lonely."

Now, that lonely thing is not part of my belief system today. No longer do I live miles away from civilization with my only outlet being the Saturday morning haul to town for groceries! But, letting myself eat with abandon is definitely satisfying a deeply rooted need in me to not just be loved, but to be FREE. It's like I'm saying, "Finally, I am free to be ME!" All those lost opportunities because of our financial status? Those were the most devastating. All those years a talented, social little Natalie was dieing inside, ready to burst and explode with relationships, passion and desire to communicate her thoughts and feelings about life. Most days I sat in my room listening to records, eating potato chips and writing poetry in a journal... wondering if I mattered to anyone, and eating more and more. When I put boundaries around myself I do not feel free, and to compensate I remove boundaries in other ways. Alright... enough of the roots of my psychosis now.

So yes, I love food. I love to eat it when I want and how I want and I don't want anyone telling me I can't have something.

So, what to do? Somewhere around here I have Dr. Phil's book that addresses how to change a belief system. I recall when I read that several years ago that he had some good advice on this matter. I'd like to revisit it.

Also, I have enlisted the help of a friend, Mari Ann Lisenbe of the Mari Method. In this matter, I admit it. I need help!

The Mari Method

I joined The Mari Method just today. Upon beginning I did an inventory of weight and measurements and that was when I discovered that I am bigger today than I was 28 days ago. Wow, this help is coming just in time!

The second step was to watch a "brain" video. It was beautiful. As the amazing images scroll across the screen they are supported by heroic, inspiring music, and wonderful "I" statements such as:

• I choose to honor my body
• I choose to forgive those who have hurt me
• I choose to forgive myself
• I love my life

Wow. Those are powerful words. Seeing them along with the images and hearing them along with the music provided such a positive place for my mind to be. Instantly I believed, "I can do this. I can get control of my eating. I can."

Along with the body inventory and brain video, comes a very easy to follow chart of the foods to seek out and the ones to avoid, along with sample menus and recipes. She literally holds your hand through each and every step. And it's not so much about loosing weight as it is about getting control back of your life. The final step to start is a fitness video hosted by Mari Ann. I haven't done the video yet, but will today. I'll let you know what I think.

I'm feeling GREAT about this step!

Okay- more about the mind/body.

I'm getting older. I'm 42, nearly 43. I see pictures of myself and I wonder... is that me? Because those eyes really don't look like mine. It's true. The eye lids are sagging. The jowels are sagging, too. I know, I know. It's nothing at 42 compared to what it will be at 62! Stop complaining! I am complaining a little bit. I am. But, I also accept that aging happens and I would rather grow old gracefully than have plastic surgery. I would feel very untrue to me (this is just me) if I had plastic surgery. I think of Meg Ryan when I say this. In her youth she had these amazing eyes! And, her eyelids have sagged. When I see her now, i think, "She doesn't have that eye structure she used to" and though I do not know if she has had plastic surgery, she looks different and older than when she played Sally (I'll have what she's having!) and she's still lovely. It does happen... ageing beautifully.

So, I am embarking on one more journey that embraces an important change for me; taking care of my skin. I have often been told that I have great skin. Literally, strangers have said this to me in grocery store lines. I'm not kidding! And this is the girl who washes her face with anything she has laying around in the shower... castille soap, shower gel, or shampoo. And until this past year when the "elevens" became deeper between my eyes (those little vertical lines between my eyebrows) I had almost never used moisturizer. Don't say it, because I already feel ashamed!

One of my unspoken New Year's resolutions regarding "change me" was for me to do something about my skincare and for me to become consistent in combating the signs of aging. Modern technology makes it possible, why not give it a try? As I was just about to post a request on my Facebook account asking who has tried Jane Seymour's product or Heidi Klum's product, my dear friend Janene sent me an offer I could not refuse. As if reading my mind, she offered me a 6 day trial set of her neighbor's new skincare called Cellular Age Advange by Apriori Beauty. Janene's friend has been setting the standard in skincare for many hears. CAA is her new contribution.

CAA noursihes skin from the inside out. Along with 6 days of external products, comes 6 days of internal product; Lifeoxylin Elixir. The ingredient list is long and impressive. I find this dual approach fascinating. I have always believed in drinking water because it hydrates skin from the inside out. With this approach, skin cells are being treated the same way. WOW!

So, I started using the product just today. I am not exaggerating. My "elevens" appear to be nearly gone. Now, I know they will never be gone... they are there after all! But I love that just a few moments after applying the products their appearance diminished. Incredible! Let me know if you want more information!

I'll write more about CAA after I've used it a few more days.

The Heart Part

Oh, I am so liking this section of the book, The Purpose Driven Life! It's all about being a friend of God.

Rick Warren, sighting numerous scriptures, states that God wants to be your best friend. I cannot even imagine. Honestly, I see God as a sovereign ruler... big man... in charge... regardless of how I feel about it. Does that sound harsh? I suspect it is somewhat harsh, but honesty is a big part of my journey here. And honestly, I want to see him more as my friend than anything. What could be more fulfilling than to be "friends" with God?

Jesus said in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants. I call you friends." Yep. That's what he said about us. Imagine that! And the word he used in this scripture conveys this meaning: close, trusted friend. Can God trust me? Hmm... something to think about.

Here's another "selah" moment, "God planned the universe and each of our lives and history, so we could become his friends." (Acts 17:26 -27)

Per Pastor Warren, there are six secrets to friendship with God. He discusses two in this chapter. They are:

• Constant Conversation
• Continual Meditation

I think the constant conversation is something I actually do well, but never realized it was a bonding opportunity with God. He is always on my mind. I do find myself talking to him a lot about just the ordinary stuff in my day. For example, "Hmm... didn't realize we were out of milk. I wish that husband you gave me would tell me when he drinks the last of it. You'd think after 10 years he'd remember to do that." Okay- JOKING! But serious, I could very well say to God, "Hmmm, didn't know I was out of milk." Or I might say, "God, I do not want to do this laundry." There are many things I mention to him throughout my day. Now, I'm going to be more mindful of doing so. If I pause to listen, I do believe he will share in the dialog!

"Friendship with God is built by sharing all of my life experiences with him." RW This is in conversation, everyday activities, problems, thoughts. In essence, "praying without ceasing."

Aha! Alone time with God is important, but more important is this; take God everywhere. It is your act of worship. And remember, that is why we are here... to worship him!

So, changing my attitude toward what I am doing to include (or be mindful of) God will enhance my relationship with him. Imagine if everything I did in a day were done for the glory of God! Eating, bathing, working, relaxing... sounds radical, huh?! I wonder... how would my diet change if I were to consider God before eating something? Would I eat that donut? Probably. It was, after all, just a thought! Okay, I'm only partially joking. This point is something I am willing to consider more deeply. I'll let you know what happens!

Because God is with me all the time, there is no place that is any closer to God than the place I am right now. It's kind of like that saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." If God is in you, where you go, there He is.

Okay, there is, as always, so much more I could share on this matter, but let me get to point number two so I can sum up for today.

Meditation

A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Part of my recovery plan (recovered, thank you) was taking self-hypnosis and meditation classes through my health care provider. Frankly, I really loved the medicine! But I didn't need it after just a few weeks of these amazing classes.

The self-hypnosis class was very eye-opening. Self-hypnosis is basically doing what Jesus said to do... "whatsoever things are good and honest and lovely and of good report, think on these things." It's all about renewing your mind. Only, instead of using a visual of the bottom of a pool to renew my mind, I focused on God's glorious creation. And instead of a self-help phrase, I chose a short scripture. Self hypnosis was simply about taking that lie that had been playing over and over in my brain, and replacing it with truth. There's no "checking out" or half-conscious or sub-conscious state of mind or anything. You remain very aware through the whole experience and I found it to be extremely rewarding.

The meditation part was so amazingly scriptural. In meditation you don't "check out" either. Conversely, you become very aware of exactly where you are. The room you are in. The sounds you hear. You become aware of the "here and now" and you accept it for what it is. It simply "is" and there is often nothing you can do to change it. In these moments you meditate on truth. It's exactly as Jesus commanded! Renew your mind with the Word of God.

Pastor Warren adds this interesting twist, "If you know how to worry, you know how to meditate." WOW! I am such a good worrier! To worry is to ruminate on the fear over and over again until it's part of you and frankly, debilitating. So, replace that fear with truth. Ruminate on the truth of God's word instead. "The more you meditate on God's world, the less you will have to worry about." That's good stuff! I can feel optimism practically taking me over!

And a final thought on this fear issue (which, as you know is part of the healing I am seeking in this 40 day journey), when a debilitating thought comes into your mind (often brought up by a bad memory) ask yourself, "Is this true?" And then ask, "Am I absolutely 100% sure it is true?" Then ask, "How do I feel when I think that thought?" Then, "Who would I be without this thought?" Finally, turn the thought around. Replace the worry with truth.

Job said, "I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread." Job 23:12.

Here's another intesting point from Pastor Warren, "Friends share secrets." Okay, that is SO true! I do love a good intrigue! I love to share secrets with my friends and my husband. But God? I mean, he knows it all! Well, consider that in this friendship God is sharing his secrets with you. Per RW, "God will share his secrets with you if you get in the habit of thinking about his word through your day." I'm very interested to know God's secrets. Don't you think that could just about wipe fear off of the face of your planet?

Ps 25:14, "Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone He shares the secrets of his promises."

Prayer lets me speak to God.

Meditation lets God speak to me.

In closing, I am very excited about pursuing this BFF friendship with God. Prayer, meditation, doing his will, hearing his voice. What do you do to cultivate your friendship with the creator of the universe? Pretty amazing thought!

Thanks for joining me, as always. I have read ahead and the next chapter that explores the 4 other ways to puruse a friendship with God are SO powerful! I can't wait to share them with you!

Loving you on purpose,

Natalie

Day 10, only 21 days in! ha-ha

Hello my Purpose Driven Friends!

I am writing day 10 today and it's the 21st. I know you aren't has hard on me as I am on me, but let me just update you with this good news; I have continued to exercise everyday (except the Sunday "rest" day). My daily bible reading is NOT happening, though I'm not too behind, and though my daily devotional has fallen by the wayside a bit, I haven't stopped completely- in fact, I am loving it! As is typical for me, I am having trouble making the changes in my lifestyle. I do desire to read my bible and pray every single day. I know I will get there. And I'm giving myself a lot of grace.

My New Year's resolution is really more of a prayer, "Change me." I had to admit to God that I had become lazy in all areas of my life; physical, spiritual, mental. And so, I began this journey. The three "highlight" goals were: get fit (a little weightloss), get credentialed and sing more, and heal my broken spirit. That last part is a bit heavy, and so I haven't actually admitted the "broken spirit" thing to you until today. But today, I am ready. And I suspect I am ready because I can feel my spirit beginning to heal, and for some reason now that I am on the road to recovery, I don't feel quite so ashamed to admit, my spirit is broken.

So, why would I feel ashamed of a broken spirit? What, exactly, is a broken spirit, you may be wondering? For several years, about 6 actually, I have felt consumed by fear. This culminated 2 years ago with a full on panic attack. What ensued after that was medication. I also took classes through my healthcare provider to help me heal from the anxiety (by their standards sans God... but of course I take God into every experience I have!) . The classes worked. Truly, knowledge is power! :)

Anyway, that broken spirit thing... sounds scary, huh? It is scary. Anxiety is extremely painful. It's hard on your entire person; spirit, mind and body. It makes your muscles sore, it makes you shake, it makes you sleep, and it keeps you from sleeping! It causes you to have to give up Starbucks (boo-hoo). So, the anxiety was a big part of my broken spirit. In my broken spirit I also experience intense fear of doctors (very new for me), and death-sentence diagnoses (at that time I had said goodbye to too many friends my age who had died of cancer). I'm afraid of surgery and anesthesia. I actually had a dental implant done while awake! CRAZY! All of this stems from my fear of not being "in control." The fear brings on anxiety and this is part of what I believe had broken my spirit.

I use the term "had" because I am spiritually on the mend. Last month in church, my pastor referenced the "broken spirit." And I can't remember his exact words but it was basically describing a person without hope, and the light went on in my head. I had been wondering for a long time why I was so worried all the time about everything. I knew I was becoming unhealthy. And that day, I had a name for it, "broken spirit." It made my life make so much sense!

I suppose a broken spirit comes from years of wanting to trust God, only to not really trust him. Think about that; if the one thing in the world you claim to rely on for everything, continually lets you down, you eventually stop relying, right? And no, God had not let me down continually, but I had not let myself heal from all the disappointments in life. The truth was (and still sometimes is) that I don't really trust God. Trusting God is not easy for me.

So, reading The Purpose Driven Life is bringing about such healing. And my quiet time in prayer and worship to the Lord is also bringing about its own level of comfort. I want to get to the point where I can say and really believe, "Lord, you've got this. Everything is going to be okay." That last statement is actually quite powerful when I consider that "my okay" is not always "his okay." I think that is a big statement!

And perhaps that is why I set The Purpose Driven Life down for a week. The last chapter kicked my behind! It was about surrender. I don't like surrender. I don't like it one bit. I didn't like it when my friend Dan had to surrender his life and leave his darling family behind last year. I didn't like it when my sister surrendered her life and left us 2 years ago. I didn't like it when my friend Tana surrendered her life and left her husband and two teenagers behind. I cringe inside every time I hear about another young parent leaving this world and leaving behind a family that needs him or her. Are you getting a theme here? That's right... that's my big issue. Because every day for 6 years, since I became a mom, I have lived in the fear that God might make me surrender the same thing. Every day with the fear... every day for six years. That's a long time to be afraid at such an intense level. That will break a spirit.

So, you know, I'm a work in progress. :) I'm working through that. I want to believe that if something happened to me, Quinn would be okay. But, he's not a typical little guy. He's amazing- but he has his own life challenges to manage and get through. I'm not sure what his life will look like as a teen or adult; it won't be "typical." I've accepted that. But, with that understanding comes even more passion about how much my little boy needs me. I never want to let go but I do know I need to. Sooner than later, I suspect, if I want this healing I am seeking in my spirit.

Well, there is whole lot that sits beneath that issue I just disclosed. My own childhood, my disappointments in God, my abandonment issues... etc, etc, etc. :) I have discussed these with a therapist and like all the other areas of my life, I 'm working on it one day at a time. So, now you know why a chapter on Surrender had me contemplating for several days. Here's a summary:

"The Heart of Worship is Surrender"

Pastor Warren writes, "Surrendering to God is the heart of worship. It's the natural response to God's amazing love and mercy. Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about."

There are three barriers to surrender:

1. Fear (Really?! Seriously? LOL)

2. Pride

3. Confusion

We don't realize how much God loves us. We want to control our lives and we misunderstand the meaning of surrender."

Fear

Obviously, this is the core of my issue. The question, "can I trust God" is the essential element of surrender. If that's the case, then I have some work to do. The more I understand how much God loves me, the easier surrender becomes. That makes sense. I do this dance with Quinn every day. I don't want him to go to bed without brushing his teeth... because I know how horrible cavities and root canals are. I know how painful an impacted tooth is. I never want him to feel that so I wake him up if I have to, in order to brush his teeth at night. He gets so mad at me. He fights me. He cries LOUDLY. And there I am, dragging his little bottom to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Eventually, he surrenders... but not without a fight. It's because I love him that I force him to do that which makes him unhappy and uncomfortable. I do it to spare him future pain.

Why do I have such a hard time surrendering to such love? Love that is so expansive, that Jesus stretched out his arms on a tool of torture and death (the cross) and bled and died for me. Selah.

"God is a lover and a liberator and surrendering to him his freedom, not bondage. " RW.

Okay, so that is one powerful statement that I don't get. But I want to get it. I will get it.

Pride

Admit your limitations. We are "creatures"... created beings, not in charge of the universe. We are only in charge of what God gives us control over. Our life-span here on earth? Nope, we aren't in charge of that, either.

I recognize that the desire to have complete control over myself and my future is what causes stress in my life. It's sin (pride). It's basically me telling my creator, that I want to be him... I want to be God. I want control. It's "my" life. And you know what? I will NEVER win that struggle. It's the battle Satan started with God and lost.

Now, I know I don't really want to be God. But, the pride involved in not surrendering is just that. And that is sin. And that is the ugly truth. Ukk. Ukk..

A.W. Tozer wrote, "The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders and interfering with God's work within us." Wow, he gets it! Oh, my!

I can accept my humanity cognitively, but not emotionally. When faced with my own limitations I do react, as Pastor Warren suggests, with irritation, anger and resentment.

I want to have it all, do it all, and be it all. I become upset when it doesn't happen and I blame God. Instead of being grateful for all that I have (this life that really isn't mine anyway) I respond to him with ungratefulness, and envy and jealousy of those that do, in my mind, have it all.

Surrendering my life to God means sacrificing my life or suffering in order to change what needs to be changed.

CS Lewis wrote, "The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we bcome, because he made us." Surrender is demonstrated by obedience and trust.

Oops... there's that word AGAIN... trust. And I can be candid here... I'm not that great at obeying either!

There is so much more I could write but this entry is too long now. I do want to add the good news, though. Surrender brings blessing: peace, freedom, and God's power to overcome. Wow- I need all three of those to heal my broken spirit.

After reading the chapter on Surrender and writing pages of notes, I wrote a prayer to God in which I surrendered the following: regret, Quinn, marriage, money, music, health, my time. I started here. I' m sure there is more to surrender, but these areas are the big ones in my life at the moment.

I won't write the prayer here- it's several pages. But, here few statements:

Regret- "... there is no break from the mess I created by that decision to do the very thing you told me not to do. I know you've already forgiven me, and today I forgive myself. This regret I feel is yours... I lay it at your feet. I will probably pick it up again, but when I do, you'll see me here... discarding it once more. I surrender it to you."

Quinn- I give you Quinn, my darling boy and all that he is to me. When I am tempted to make him the center of my life, remind me that he belongs to you.

Music- I surrender my music. Somewhere, some how, it stopped being about worshiping you and started being about me. My voice isn't good enough. I've actually been upset with you about that. I'm sorry. And I've coveted other's gifts as if the one you gave me was inadequate. I don't deserve it... I know that. It's yours....

Well, I do so despise ending on a down note. :) I guess I'll close by asking you, do you have as much to surrender as I do? Pastor Warren writes that we may have to surrender these things to God numerous times a day. That's both a bothersome and refreshing thought. At least I know I'm not alone!

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 8! 1/8/2010

"You created everything and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created." Rev. 4:11

Hello friends. Well, as I said in my last entry here I am catching up. Wrong! In my last entry I wrote that I would catch up on days 8 through 11 with a brief summary. And now, three more days have past and here I am, just now writing. "Whatever," I say to myself! :) Meaning, I do not like making commitments that I do not keep. Hey, isn't there a growth opportunity in there somewhere related to the "head" part of this journey? Well, I do believe there is!

The reality is, I do not know how to catch up. :) So, today is Thursday, January 14th. I will update you on the head and hard-body parts of my 40 day journey first as those are the easiest and then I will combine a few chapters of The Purpose Driven Life in this entry and those to come. My point is, I am committing to catch up without a plan. How's that?

On this 40 day journey I committed to exercise by body daily, exercise my heart (spirit) daily and exercise my head daily. The desirable outcomes are; a thinner me, a more peaceful me, and a more successful me (gainfully employed would be nice, but not necessary). So, overall how am I doing? Here is the update, 14 days in!

The "Hard Body" part:

This is going great. I think it's the easiest for me to do. Think about it- though it takes commitment to get moving, the fact is that our bodies were made to move. Every day I find opportunity to exercise even if it is not in a formal way. For example, I walked to Quinn's bus stop the other day and took the dogs. When we got home we ditched the backpack and kept going... the dogs in hand and Quinn on his pedal "go cart". Good, wholesome exercise for one and all. I ended up pushing Quinn up a 3/4 of a mile, very steep hill. I actually sprinted for part of it. It took me the rest of the walk home to catch my breath! Somewhere in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "When you push your body to change it will rise to the occasion. So push!" (That voice is Marco, one of the Exercisetv trainers, by the way.)

Another fun thing I added to my workout schedule (doing the Exercisetv.tv hard body workout plan) is boot camp. This is a relatively new buzz word in the exercise community! And I'm doing it! Trend setter me! (Actually, I suspect I am a bit behind the trend.)

There is certainly something to be said for partnering with a friend to exercise. I went one time and so thoroughly enjoyed myself, that I signed up for next month, too! The hour flies by with other women with whom to chat, and a fun, inspiring leader who points you in every right direction; "Okay, now let's take a lap... okay... 45 seconds of army crawl... go... okay... let's cool down and stretch!" What? Already time to cool down? COOL! When working out to my TV I always have one eye on the clock and am wondering, when will this torture be over?! When working out with a group of women, much like my fond memories of gym class (yes, I reminisce of gym class with fondness), there's camaraderie, shared experience, shared pain and shared laughter. (And these ladies bring their toddlers and babies... how fun is that? Exercising with all these little cutie pies toddling about?) It's inspiring!

And by the way, regarding gym class, if you struggle with weight when did it start? When you stopped taking gym class? Gym class is brilliant. In my school we were done with gym after our sophomore year. And yes, that is the year the battle with my weight started for me. Think about it... one simple hour (45 minutes, really) of getting the heart rate up a bit and having fun with some friends. FITNESS!!!! What a concept! Gym class, hooray for you!

What's my point? If you have time and can find an affordable and time-convenient boot camp, go for it! I am not one that is fond of the gym. Going solo and hanging out with weight machines and cardio equipment and people I barely know has no appeal for me. Nor does the $30 a month in dues. The classes? I get bored with them. I need change-up in my routine. I get that from picking and choosing video exercise online and on cable TV, from mixing it up with friends for walks and bike rides, taking my family to the park, and doing the boot camp. Find what works for you and do something 30 minutes a day. Take it from me, you'll feel so much better when you do!

Speaking of feeling better, my back pain is nearly gone! Wow!

So... 14 days into daily exercise and am I thinner? No way. In the beginning I lost over a inch, but I suspect now that had to do with me kicking up my water to at least 64 ounces a day. I have not lost weight for what I believe are two reasons: one, easy come, easy go. Water up a day? Water down a day? Body bloated... (thank you for the gift, mother nature)? This is too important a time for me to be weighted down by the scale. The reality is, at 42 my body is not going to change that fast and neither is yours. So, go easy on yourself. I was going to weigh weekly but I am now going to wait a few more weeks. I do think it's important to weigh regularly, to keep tabs on where you are at in your goals, but I don't want to be discouraged right now. If, in 2 weeks (then 4 weeks of daily exercise) I have not lost any weight or inches, I will need an intervention!!!!

And that intervention will be in the area of nutrition. Which is, I know, the other reason for me not loosing an ounce. Yep, nutrition is my "bad" word. I do this terrible, terrible thing. I do! When I exercise I take full license to eat whatever I want (there is yet another "head" journey in that statement). We've discussed this before. No, I haven't worked on it. Oh, I will. I have had seasons of my life where not so much as one molecule of processed white sugar has passed my lips! Extended periods of time... or "hell" more aptly described. Those fad diets worked for me, but they are not my "lifestyle," and I did not enjoy my life while adhering to them. I'm not sure where my healthy, balanced diet lies but I will figure it out. That's the next step on my "small steps" journey. So far, 2 weeks of movement and water and I'm doing great. Nutrition next, and in the very near future. I will not fail!

The "head" part:

On January 9th I took my CSET. This is the test that will enable me to be a teaching intern in the fall. That means I will get paid to student teach, which is something my husband would greatly appreciate! :) It is necessary and so passing the test matters a great deal. However, I underestimated how much would need to be reviewed to prepare adequately. I will not be surprised or disappointed if I did not pass. I have passed 1/2 of this test already, so I am almost there. If I did not pass the math/science section then I will have another try in March. And I will be adequately prepared since now I know exactly what the test looks like. Not passing is "not great" but it isn't horrible either. I'll get there. I have time and I have a plan in place should I need it.

Also, on January 26 I will take my CBEST. Passing this test will allow me to be a substitute teacher. I fully expect to pass. I am taking the practice test on line right now in bits and pieces and it is very easy. No worries. No studying needed here.

There are other parts of my "head" journey to consider and I haven't written much about them. (I know, this entry is getting long... sorry for that... it's what I get when I wait 3 days to write.) I won't go into them here except to list them for my own accountability and to share briefly about my experience with a life coach!

During the next several months, I plan on pursuing the things in life I have always wanted to pursue but have always felt like my full-time-completely-not-in-my-element-really-not-a-fit-job prevented me from purusing. Well, now that I don't have that "FTCNIMEFNAF JOB" I have no excuses. Here are the goals:

1. Perform more vocally (studio work, San Diego Opera chorus (dream BIG), live theater productions)

2. Send out my book proposal (it's written, just not refined or sent)

3. Build my vocal studio

I met with a life coach this week and she gave me the "how to" of SMART goals. More on all of this another time. My point is, I am on my way and life coach Lisa & I are holding each other accountable. Good stuff!

The "Heart" part (chapters 8 & 9 of the book):

Well, as I knew it would be, this Purpose Driven Life book is AMAZING! If you have never read it, please do yourself a favor and get it. If you have read it, read it again. In fact, I think it's one of those books that bears revisiting once a year. It's full of truth and wonderful reminders of our great God and the intimate relationship he seeks with his kids.

I'm going to highlight chapters 8 and 9 in my journaling today. This is in part of an effort to get all caught up.

Chapter 8 of The Purpose Driven Life is titled, "Planned for God's Pleasure."

You were planned for God's pleasure.

God created everything for his pleasure. It's why we exist. It makes him happy. He thought of me before the foundations of the world and he was happy with the thought of me. ME! Not like I see me, but like only he can see me. If I try and imagine God gaining pleasure of looking at me the way I look at me, full of doubt, mistrust, fear, unkind thoughts and selfish desires, then I don't get it. Oh, and if I look and I see me via the "good stuff"... because I do have "good stuff"... it's still not good enough because we all have good stuff, right? The only way it makes sense is to know that God's view of me is so much more whole than my view of me.

Bringing enjoyment to God and living for his pleasure is the first purpose of my life. WOW!

When I finally understand this truth, I will never again have the problem of feeling insignificant. I am so valuable, God wants to keep me for eternity. What greater significance could I have?

Psalm 147:11, "The Lord is pleased only with those who worship him and trust his love." Worship him... worship him... worship him... where have I heard this before?!

Worship is a lifestyle... it's more than just music. It's not for my benefit. It's not part of my life, it is my life (or it should be). Pastor Warren suggests the secret for a lifestyle of worship is to do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus. Sounds radical! I'm going to give it a try!

Something else Pastor Warren writes that causes a light to go on for me is this, "by constantly thinking of Jesus, I am abiding in his love. That's real worship, falling in love with Jesus." I've often wondered, how do I abide in him? What common task am I doing daily that I could start doing for Jesus? That's something to think about!

Chapter 9- What Makes God Smile?

"The smile of God is the goal of your life." Well, Pastor Warren, that's some lofty goal! Holy cow! :) Fortunately, the text goes on to give a perfect example, Noah. Noah pleased God and because of that, human kind was spared during the flood wherein God wiped evil from the face of the earth. If not for Noah pleasing god, you and I would not exist!

Ephesians 5:10, "Figure out what will please God and then do it." Well, that's pretty simple, I'd have to say! And it's complicated. How do I know what pleases God? Turns out, it's in "The Book!"

Pastor Warren writes that the following makes God smile:

1. My trust

2. My love

3. My obedience (uh oh)

4. My praise continually (uh oh- squared)

5. Using my abilities

I can say that I honestly need work in all of these areas, as I suspect many people do. I say I love him, but do I keep his commandments? Jesus did say, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." I know I am not obedient. I won't elaborate on that today, but just know it's so. I don't praise him continually, rather I complain about most things... to him! Some days nothing he has done for me is quite good enough. And using my abilities for him? Well, I probably waffle on that one but I will add that I'm working on that. Being an educator will allow me to work in a job full time wherein I will be using my God-given abilities daily. I'm so looking forward to that!

So, I haven't talked about trust. This is the BIGGIE for me! My lack of trust in God is, I believe, at the core of my dealing with mild anxiety disorder. Remember my life metaphor? Bouncing around from light to light, running from the shadows that are waiting to swallow me up? Yea, that one. Well, fear is at the core of anxiety. And God's word states clearly, "Prefect love casts out all fear." I've been praying for a long time that God would perfect His love in me, and honestly I don't even know what I am praying. I just keep asking. I know he will reveal it to me. I do trust him for that.

The day I read this part about trust, I had an experience earlier in the day that I believe God used to set me up for this reading. This is where I say, "Wow! God, you are so cool! Why do I ever doubt you?" He had a lesson for me to drive this truth about trust home.

Quinn & I went for a walk after school. He was on his pedal go-cart and I had both dogs in tow (no easy task). We walked for probably 2 miles. About a third of the way on our journey we passed infront of an elementary school. There are apartments across the street. As we walked, a van pulled up infront of us and slowed. It was driven by one man in his mid-thirties or so, and all of the windows had sheets taped over them. My pace quickened as the van slowed down. Then the van turned around and parked opposite us on the street. Out of the corner of my eye I watched to see if someone was going to come from the apartment to get into the van. No one came. I walked quickly past and then at the next available street I turned right. Now, I don't usually see a "Dick Dasterdly" in every creepy looking van, but it bothered me that this guy was just hanging out in front of an elementary school just after school was released. As I went up the next street I began looking for an alternate route home... anything to avoid going by that van again. Unfortunately, all my searching was in vain. My only option was to go to the store nearby and call Todd to come get us (however, I did not have my phone on me and Todd was at work, so not the most convenient choice). So, we started back from whence we came. The whole time I had my eye on the van and I was praying.

As is typcial for my spirited little boy, he was just giving that go-cart heck! He was all over the sidewalk and running into the things, creating a bunch of noise, etc. I zig-zagged through the school parking lot and kept trying to put off the "pass by the van moment" as long as I could... thinking it would hopefully move on. Finally, I told Quinn, "Buddy, I need you to drive straight and when we get to the street, no messing around. Just turn left and I will push you up the hill. In fact, I'll run! Ooh, fun! I'll push you up the hill super fast!" (In my mind, I can see me trying to outrun a mysterious van, going up hill. Yea, right!) Well, Quinn could not hang with that program. He was his typical self. He wanted to do it on his own and he wanted to do it his way! I knew that van wasn't safe. I wanted to protect him from it. In that we had to pass by it, I was doing all I could to get by quickly and not draw attention to us. Quinn wanted the opposite. I was pretty frustrated with him, but so as not to add to the scene, I let him go his way within reason. It was a lot of work to get him where I needed and wanted him to be. And, he had no clue that an unsafe situation had presented itself. I needed him to TRUST me, to trust blindly that I knew what was best, and I needed him to do what I said.

Later as I was thinking through that stressful situation, I realized the parallel. God is guiding me, knowing what is best for me, and asking that I trust him. I am bucking the system, wanting to be ME, wanting life to be about ME, and not wanting to do what he asks, even if it is in my best interest. Why? Because like a self-centered six year old, sometimes I just want what I want. How often does it grieve God as I am going through self-induced pain? How often does he look at me and without malice or arrogance say, "If only you had listened to me."

I'll close with this bright thought. Taken, again, from my text The Purpose Driven Life, "When I live in the light of eternity, my focus changes from "How much am I getting out of life" to "How much pleasure is God getting out of my life?" That's life changing thinking!

And of course, that's the journey that I am on. Change me, Lord. Help me to ask myself, "How much pleasure are you, God, getting out of my life?"

Thanks for checking in today. I so appreciate your spending some time with me. And as always, I value your feedback and thoughts.

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 7- 1/7/2009

Well, my friends. I am now OFFICIALLY behind. It's the 11th and I am just now writing about my experience on the 7th. I am not overly happy about this! Though I have not journaled as I thought, I have been committed to doing the things every day I committed to myself to do. I feel great about that! But, I am disappointed in myself that I am not making this blog effort happen. I have learned that I cannot save the blogging for late in the day; for when the clock strikes 9, my internal "lights" go out and I can do nothing right except for fall asleep... quickly! And if I try and blog in the afternoon/evening when my guys are home; well, forget it. They need me. :) I like that and I don't like being on the computer when they are home as we don't have enough time together as it is!

So, I am picking up here again with Day 7 of my journey through The Purpose Driven Life. Tomorrow I will catch up with a brief summary of days 8 - 11 (on day 9 I took the CSET. HOLY COW! I'll share more tomorrow). And then I will be all caught up.

And, so, on a really fun and "out there" note for me, I am going to a boot camp today! This is my first! A trainer in La Mesa does a boot camp for very little money (pay as you go, and the first week is free... what a deal). I am not sure how I will do at this type of thing. Actually, I have no idea what to expect, but what a better way to start the week? I will be burning calories and hanging with one of my BFF's (I know, should a girl have more than one BFF? Well, I do!). Okay, so truth be told staying home and writing is my first choice, but as far as activities go, sweating with a dear friend is very near a top of the "like" list, so that is getting priority. :)

The "heart" part:

Have you noticed that the "heart" part is typically the first thing I write about? I reflect on the heart all day long. I'm not sure if that is healthy or neurotic, but for now, that's just me. If it's healthy I'll keep doing it. :) If it's neurotic, I'll add it to the list of things to work on! Nonetheless, I find the "heart" part, ie. my soul, is the most important. Because this body will pass away, but my soul will live forever with God in eternity, doing that very thing he created me to do. Life here is just the "dress rehearsal."

Chapter 7 of The Purpose Driven Life, "It's all for him." The Lord has made everything for his own purposes. (Pr 16:4)

"The ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God. It is the reason for everything that exists, including you. God made it all for his glory. Without God's glory there would be nothing." RW

Where is the glory of God? Everywhere! Creation reveals his glory. It's really amazing. As I studied for my CSET and went over how a fetus develops... from a single cell to a full blow person... with a complex heart, brain and nervous system... well, WOW! After reading that I wondered, how can anyone doubt God? The sheer force it takes to make another living soul with a functioning body is phenomenal, and it happens in the safe and secret place of the womb. Incredible!

"We can't add to God's glory, but we are commanded to:

recognize

honor

declare

praise

refelct

and live for his glory!" RW

In the entire universe, only two things fail to give God his due glory; fallen angels and people. All the rest of creation cries out with it! According to Pastor Warren, all sin, at its root, is failing to give God glory. Hmmm... let's think about that for a minute. Romans 2:23, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

How do I fail in this daily? When I live for me; and remember, it's not about me. But this is a newly revisited concept for me, so I know I have a long way to go on this matter. Pride & rebellion are at the root of living for pleasing only me, and not moving myself outward to live for God and to serve those around me. Even this morning, I did a attitude eye roll (the eyes didn't move, but the brain thought it) when Todd asked me to take Quinn to the bus stop. I was mildly irritated. This meant I would have to get dressed! I was looking forward to them leaving the house so I could get to what I wanted to do. So, just 30 minutes into my day I had an opportunity to put myself first. :) Now, I'm not a bad person because I had another agenda today, but I want to get to a point where I am delighted to help out my husband and my son at the first opportunity, not after I've had to consider that it is the right thing to do. I want that to flow out of me as naturally as my speech (because you know, I always have something to say). I'd like to be that wife and mother that always has something to give to my family.

So, how can I bring glory to God? With Jesus as my example, I look at John 17:4. Jesus prayed to the Father, "I have brought glory to you here on earth by doing everything you told me to do." Jesus fulfilled his purpose. I want to fulfill mine.

St. Irenaeus said, "The glory of God is a human being fully alive!" God, I want to be fully alive!

Warren suggests these ways to bring glory to God:

1. Worship him- when you use your life for God's glory, everything you do can become an act of worship.

2. Loving other believers- it is your responsibility to learn to love as God does, because God is love, and it honors him. John 13:34 - 35.

3. Becoming Christ like- the more you develop Christ-like character, the more you will bring glory to God.

4. Serving others with our gifts- God didn't give you your abilities for selfish purposes

5. Telling others about him- once we know the truth, expects us to share it with others.

Hmmm... looks like I have my work cut out for me. I seriously fail in all of these areas daily. However, I know that as I am allowing my heart to be changed by God, (God, change me!) I will get better at worshiping God with ALL that I am.

What will you live for?

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 6!

Hello friends!

I am a few days behind in posting! Only 6 days into this and I'm falling back! BUT- I have met all of my goals each day. I just have been cramming for my CSET so I have not been able to write. I'm getting caught up today and tomorrow!

My test is tomorrow from 8:00 to 1:00 PST. If you think of it, can you pray for me? I waited too long to start preparing and had my son home sick from school most of this week. There is SO MUCH science information that I simply cannot retain it all, and much of it I do not understand as it is new information for me. If I had a month to prepare I would feel better! The math is going great- got almost all the practice questions right (with notes... so have to commit those formulas to memory today!) Part 2 of the test is Phys Ed, human development, music & the arts. Haven't read a thing but took the practice tests and scored very well. I think one read through will be fine for that. So really, the science is the issue! Lord, a miracle, please!

I found out that I do not need this test to substitute teach, just to start an internship. And since my fellows students have not been hired as interns (and they have general ed credentials and tons of classroom experience already) I'm fairly certain I won't be in the running for an Internship this semester anyway. So, all that to say, I face this test tomorrow in good spirits. If I fail the science section I will take it again in March and will be much more prepared!!! :)

Okay, the "heart" part of my journey:

In the 6th chapter of The Purpose Driven Life Rick Warren goes into greater detail regarding two of the three life metaphors. Remember that I am seeking to align my life's metaphor (which is such a downer) with God's... I think this will cure the pessimism! :) The first of the three life metaphors is that Life is a Test. Okay, so that really doesn't sound like much fun! And hey, aren't I taking a big "&#*" test tomorrow?

Life is a test.

Great. :) No, really, I mean, GREAT!!!!

Character is both developed and refined by test, and all of life is one. According to Warren, I am always being testing. He suggests that God is constantly watching my response to:

• people
• problems
• success
• conflict
• illness
• disappointment
• weather - does it mean something that I choose to live in a geographic location where there essential is no "weather?" ha-ha.

And, he says you can predict some tests. In scripture an intentional test that God takes one through is His distance. "God is not near." 2 Chronicles 32:31. I've felt that before! How have I done in that test? I know, always, always, always, that even if I do not feel Him near, He is near. For He will never leave me or forsake me.

But what about those other areas? The matter of me being a pessimist is something I say in "tongue and cheek", but think of what my response to those items listed above might be if I am a pessimist. It ain't pretty! Wow. Lord, change me. I want to repsond to people the way you would, to see them through your eyes and to accept them truly as they are. God, what do you want me to learn about problems? That you will work them all out for my good? I'm not completely sure how to handle them, except that I often handle them incorrectly. And sometimes I just ignore them because I do not know what else to do. And God, let's discuss that conflict. Hmmm... I'm seriously bad at that. I work through it on my own, never giving the other party their opportunity to confront an issue or grow from it. Then I announce to myself, "I'm over it" and I move on okay... or I think I'm okay until the matter comes up again. I'd like to be more like my friend Teri on this subject. She is so good at confronting issues in love and making the other person really feel valuable.

Bottom line- I need to grow in all these ares. Lord, change me.

Now here is the candy in all this test business, "Because all of life is a test, nothing is insignificant in my life." Did you hear that?! WOWZA! Oh my, do I love that!!!! Seriously, in light of that I can confidently say, bring on the test! I have my number 2 pencil all sharpened and I am ready to go! That's the "optimist's" response to "life is a test." In Psalms it reads, "The Lord will perfect all that concerns me." I have always believed that to mean that God is in the details. Nothing is too insignificant for Him. Nothing.

"Everyday is an important day and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, demonstrate love, or to depend on God." Rick Warren

And here is the best news... in I Corinthians 10:13, God promises you the grace to pass the test. For He will never allow you to be tested beyond your ability to endure, but he will always provide the means of escape to a landing place (paraphrased loosely from the Amplified Bible.)

Stand up and take notice! Every time you pass a test, God notices and makes plans to reward you in eternity (rw). Woo-hoo! James 1:2, "Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test they will receive the crown of life god has promised to those who love Him."

I just had a thought... think of how different my life would look if I renewed my mind on these promises every day. (just a side note here)

Okay- second life metaphor: Life is a trust.

I initially thought this to mean, "Yes, I need to trust God." But what Pastor Warren is suggesting is that God has entrusted me. Hmmmm.... that puts it into a new light. I am steward of everything God has given me personally: intelligence, talents, opportunities, resources... my marriage, my husband, my son. That's seriously weighty stuff. How well am I being a steward of the people God has put into my life? How am I treating Todd & Quinn? How much time am I spending with Quinn each day to help him overcome the challenges life that thrown at him at such a young age. Am I giving him the time he needs from me to grow, and to feel valuable and loved? And what about Todd? Does my husband feel wanted and respected? (Not every day, I am ashamed to admit.)

What am I doing with my talents, my opportunities and my money?

If God is entrusting me with all of this then the bottom line is it's not mine.

If I treat everything as a trust, then God promises three rewards in enternity:

1. His affirmation- what could be better?

2. His promotion- when He promotes me, no one can demote me because after all, He is God!

3. His celebration- partying with the creator of the universe? My RSVP is yes!

And here is a little "extra" for free:

How I manage my money determines how much God can trust me with spiritual blessings.

I always think of money and it's rewards in such tangible ways. I know that if I am faithful to God with my tithe and offering he will bless me physically for that in turn. But what about the spiritual blessing? What am I missing out spiritually (and eternally) on when I don't trust him in the area of money? Rhetorical... I'm still working through that.

Okay- life metaphor #3: Life is a temporary assignment. As I have written a lot on metaphors one and two and I have some serious studying to do in the area of science today, I will not elaborate anymore at this time. Bottom line- in light of eternity, my life on earth is like a sigh.

The "hard body" part:

Well, though I have been super busy I have not completely neglected my body and you know what? I feel great! The workouts are becoming more and more liberating for me. My back pain is subsiding quite a bit. And though the scale has not moved (oh yes, I'm still eating everything in sight... remember, nutrition is next week), my muffin top is shrinking. My jeans are fitting better. I have my "skinny" jeans on standby and am going to try them on Monday... as that will be the official "one week" (give or take a few days) of my journey.

The "head" part:

Well, on the head front you are already updated. Cramming for my CSET. All else pales in comparison regarding my "head" goals. I'll be able to move on to goal #2 after tomorrow.

My dear friends, as always THANK YOU for reading my blathering. I love working out my thoughts and feelings through my pen (that's a loose quote from Jane Austin... one of my favorite authors). It's cathartic. And the fact that someone would take the time to read it? BONUS! BLESSING!

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 5

Day 5- 1/5/2010

The Heart Part:

“The way you see your life shapes your life.”

How you “picture” life is your life’s metaphor. Remember in my first entry that I said I was a pessimist? I try not to venture to dark places, but with this life’s metaphor challenge, I must admit, I did. I’m not proud of this, but here is my life’s metaphor:

I picture life as a dark valley with things always lurking in the shadows. Those things are pain, failure, disappointment, fear, etc. The lurking issues never hurt me, they just scare me. There are bits of light… fragments here and there, in which I stand. But the darkness is always close. I see myself enjoying the warmth of the light, but never the security. For there, at the edge of the light is the darkness, waiting for me. And I know at any moment I could be thrust out into it. And sometimes, to get to the next bit of light, I must walk through the darkness.

Downer, huh? I know! Wow, it’s amazing what one finds out when she takes the time to inspect her life a little. Basically my life’s metaphor accurately describes my life- enjoying the moment while waiting for the “other shoe to drop”… which means, I’m not really enjoying the moment fully. I need to work on that! Remember my blanket New Years Resolution, "Change me"? Well, it's front and center today.

Rick Warren describes biblical metaphor’s for life. He writes that God has 3 life metaphors in the Scripture:

· Life is a test.

· Life is a trust.

· Life is a temporary assignment.

He is very encouraging in his text that as I embrace God’s life metaphors my own faulty metaphor will be replaced. I believe that. As one of your posted recently, "small changes over time."

More on those life metaphors tomorrow!

Update: reading through the Bible in one year… 2 days behind.

The Hard Body Part:

I did my 5^th day workout this morning at around 8 a.m. That was good, but still not on my desired schedule. With Quinn being sick our nights are interrupted and so getting up at 5 to exercise has been a loosing battle. Nonetheless, I did the mega “Hard Body Extreme” with Marco workout (Body By Jake on exercisetv.tv and Cox Freezone). This workout is so hard I almost never do all of the sets completely. It’s only day 5 of my exercise and though I have been making some very bad food choices I can already see results. One-half an inch has left my waist and one-quarter has left my derriere. I’m encouraged!

Some friends have posted good ideas for nutritional help. One is eating vegan until dinner. I assume that means whole grain and fruit for breakfast, big salad for lunch with probably some legumes thrown in for protein, and snacking on fruits and veggies. I can see how this approach would definitely lesson one’s caloric intake if one doesn’t over indulge in the snacks or cover the salad with high-calorie dressing. Another option is several small meals through out the day and a very important point: do not deny yourself. I like that!

The Head Part:

Well, I am cramming for my Cset, which is no small feat, especially with Quinn at home. I keep getting distracted because I am completely overwhelmed (so Quinn is not to blame... even if her weren't here I would find reasons to do other things). I checked into postponing my test but the next one isn’t until March and I need to work in February. So, ready or not I will take it. I have about 150 more pages of science to go and 70 more pages of math. I am completely out to lunch on graphing linear and quadratic equations. I never took any type of science in high school so that periodic table? Never seen it. Nice, huh? Right now I am praying for a miracle.

Thanks for checking in today! The next few days will be brief, though I will not neglect my commitment to my spiritual life or physical health. I’ll just spend less time blogging and more time studying. And my blog will probably contain more typos and comma splices than usual!

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 4! 1/4/2010

January 4, 2010- Day 4 of my 40 days of fit- Head, Heart & Hard Body!

The Heart Part:

“God has… planted eternity in the human heart.” Ecc 3:11

We were made for eternity. The most poignant understanding I had of this came a few years ago with my pastor was telling a story of a friend whose baby had died in his early hours of life from a rare genetic disorder. Just a year or so before, the baby’s older sibling died in her second year of life from the same illness. As he told the story I wondered to God, “Oh dear Jesus, how does any parent survive such loss?” And then he shared the friend’s response to these losses. God had told his friend that his precious children were made for eternity. So, it matters not exactly how long one is here… we are made for God’s pleasure and He makes us for eternity with Himself. That’s how that dad and mom survived… knowing that their children had a place and calling in heaven. Sometimes I am reminded of that story and I have to stop and pray for that mom and dad. God bless their hearts.

I often get caught up in the myriad of here and now. I mean, how could I not? This is all I know! I wonder how, if anything ever happened to Quinn, would I manage? Or, if anything happened to me, how would he manage? But when I think that way I limit God and his sovereignty. I realize I’m just being “human”… but it makes me wonder… do I really believe in God? (Yes, I do, but as I do, why aren't I more trusting?) Do I really trust that He has a plan that is beyond me? Am I really ready to do whatever it takes to live according to His purpose? All rhetorical… and I’m interested to get your take on the concept of God’s sovereignty, suffering and loss. I don’t mean to be a downer, sorry! It’s just that eternity is so hard for me to wrap my human head around, and so when the topic comes up I find myself a little uncomfortable.

I did find this quote in my reading today, though, that I love and want to become part of me. Rick Warren writes, “The closer you live to God, the smaller everything else appears.” God, shrink my vision! In other words, draw me close, close, close!

The Hard Body Part:

Well, today was Monday and due to Quinn & Todd both being home unexpectedly today, I did not keep to my schedule. I didn’t even come close! So, at 9:00 p.m. I started my workout. I am supposed to work out at 5 a.m.! Yikes! The bottom line for me is if I don’t do it first thing- make it the #1 priority, then the risk of me not doing it is high. But, as I am committed to 40 days and this blog, I did it. It was the cardio day of my workout schedule and the cardio is just 30 minutes long. So, to increase the calorie burning opportunity, I went for a second workout that was also 30 minutes. On Cox Freezone (I LOVE COX FREEZONE!!!!) I found a really fun workout under the “cardio” category that was titled something like, “Cardio Groove Burn”. It was a really fun dance workout. I got an opportunity to shake my bootie and add some sexy attitude! The 30 minutes flew by and though I felt silly doing hip circles, the salsa was quite exhilarating. If you are having trouble finding a workout that you are happy with, check out this video. Or, if you don’t have the Cox Freezone option, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders makes a fun dance video that I have tried which you can sometimes find at Walmart.

So, I have a confession to make. I’m ruining all my exercise effort by some seriously bad food choices. Blah. I love chocolate, sugar, bread, butter, anything fried (save for seafood), and several processed foods. (Though over the past few years of eating more “green” I have lost my taste for many processed items, which is good!) I literally snacked myself into exhaustion today. I know me- I pay attention to my body. When I eat simple sugar it only takes an hour or so before I could lay down wherever I am and take a nap. I get low blood sugar so easily. And though I don’t condone low carb diets (oh, they have worked beautifully for me… only for the short term because I just can’t handle how strict they are), I do know that the most energetic I have ever felt is when I had no sugar and limited carbs to those of the complex nature and only a few servings at that. Basically, I need to find my happy place with food. Any suggestions?

I do have several good, healthy breakfast foods I really like. I just need to make the commitment to say no to quick and easy toast and make something substantive for breakfast. Todd would enjoy that, too!

One of my former FAVORITE breakfasts, which I can’t have right now, b/c of lactose intolerance, is something I call Toast Fruit Compote. So simple and so delish! (And extremely healthy!) One piece of whole grain toast. 1 tablespoon (or so, as you like it) of cottage cheese (which I do not like, except in this), mashed up strawberries & blackberries (or other fruit that you enjoy and makes a nice syrupy consistency when mashed). Simply toast the bread, spread a little margarine on if you wish, then layer the cottage cheese and fruit compote. It is very tasty and oh so good for you!

So, related to my health goals (baby steps), I am getting my 64 ounces of water a day and I am moving every day. 4 days in a row so far. Where I am failing is my nutrition… but one step at a time. I’ll tackle nutrition next week!

The Head Part:

Okay, I am in so much trouble here! Quinn has strep and will be home until Thursday. My exam is Saturday. Today I got through about 20 pages of prep and got stuck on linear equations on a graph. This is like 7^th grade math and I cannot get it! I got overwhelmed, left the library, hit a Starbucks, and then headed home where Quinn & split a chocolate cupcake. Yes, I know. Emotional eater. That’s me.

Tomorrow I will prevail. I hate sitting my little guy in front of the TV for hours while I study but the reality is he loves it. It won’t hurt him for a few days until I get over this hurdle. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

Hey, thanks for taking the time to check in. And let me know your ideas… seriously…what behavior change do I need on order to tackle this food issue? I ponder it, to no avail. I welcome your thoughts on the topic!

Loving you “on purpose”,

Natalie

Day 3! 1/3/10

The Heart Part:

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” (RW)

So true. The bigger question is, however, how do we free ourselves from the pain of our past? I have a theory about forgiveness. If forgiveness were easy, it wouldn’t be forgiveness! Think about that for a moment. Certainly there are infractions against me that are easy to forgive; the person who cuts me off in traffic (because after all, I don’t know that driver), the friend who tells a secret and exposes something I am ashamed of (a friend who loves me and didn’t mean to hurt me), or an unkind word spoken in the heat of the moment (she didn’t say that intentionally to hurt me, she was just in a hurting place herself). Even those smaller issues involve process, some longer than others.

What about the BIG hurts? What about the childhood wound from thirty years ago that gets rehearsed over and over in my mind when something painful happens today? Or, an issue in my marriage that will rise up at an inopportune time and take my by surprise? These are all things I have worked through, yet they still make uninvited appearances in my memory, giving resentment an opportunity show up as well. I don’t know the answer to these questions I am asking. However, I do know that forgiveness is a process. It’s the process of me revisiting those hurts without feeling bitterness toward the ones who hurt me. Forgiveness is a fresh and new opportunity to say, “Yes, Lord. I forgive.” Knowing that each time this process is rubbing off a bit more of a rough edge, gilding me a little brighter.

The actual title of The Purpose Driven Life chapter today was, “What drives your life?” I find this question a little haunting. The statement in the previous paragraph was about the person who is driven by resentment or anger, and I identified somewhat with that person… at least on some level. Not everything I do is driven by anger, but I know that some things I do consistently are the result of unresolved anger in my life. The other drives that Warren reveals are:

1. Resentment & Anger- they allow their past to control their future
2. Fear- fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God wants you to be
3. Materialism- possessions only provide temporary happiness
4. Need for Approval- unfortunately, those who follow the crowd eventually get lost in it

Though the question, “what drives me?” is hard for me to answer, I can honestly say that I identify to some degree with all four of the possibilities listed.

In my daily Bible reading yesterday was the story of Cain and Able. I read the words of God’s curse on Cain, “You will be a restless wanderer on the earth,” and I cringed a little inside. I thought to myself, “I sadly identify with that.” And then on page 28 of my text, The Purpose Driven Life, I read it again… the exact same words! Oh yes, I think that is a God thing. I had to sit up and take notice of the scripture- you will be a restless wanderer on the earth. I must admit I have felt that way at many times in my life… wandering without a purpose.

I don’t think the reasons behind that last statement are as important as the goal to become someone with purpose. I do go there, though…to that place where I rationalize, “Well, I did that because I thought this…”etc. Perhaps you identify. Regardless of where I try to go with the rationalization, I have always believed that “all things work together for the good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose.” Aha! I am just quoting that scripture off of the top of my head and look what is at the end of it! “His purpose.” I have relied on that scripture for years to make all of my uniformed, ignorant choices okay. I have always believed that no matter how bad I mess it up; God can use the circumstances to work things together for my good. And now I see it all so clearly, “for those who are called according to His purpose.”

So, I will not fret over what I sometimes call "the wasted years." I have learned from them. I move forward. Today is a day of purpose for me. I will not waste another day wandering the earth with no purpose. I will not be Cain. Thank you, Lord!

The Hard Body part:

Okay, today (Sunday) was to be a day of rest for my body. But as I just started exercising I felt like I should do something. I was going to walk the dogs but my day got away from me (that doesn’t sound so purposeful, does it?). So, I opted for a 2-mile walk in the comfort of my living room. You’ve probably seen the instructor on an infomercial; Leslie Sansome. She’s delightful. The walk is easy yet the heart rate gets up. She’s very encouraging and I do not at all get tired of listening to her. And, though she is clearly very fit, she has a “real” body. Birthing hips! I also like that she wears modest attire and is not flaunting ripped shoulders at me with every “reach!” She seems like a nice lady and 40 minutes with her was so great, I will do it again very soon.

I am also going to start doing a little bit of yoga with my lighter workouts (about 10 minutes). The stretching is so good for you. There are, or course, several workouts to choose from on Cox Freezone. And in case you are wondering, I don’t embrace the various religions that tend to go hand-in-hand with yoga. I have friends who think that yoga is a bad choice for Christians. I think that so much of what is part of yoga is exactly what Jesus talked about; renewing your mind, meditating on things that are “good, honest, lovely and of good report,” and taking good care of yourself. So, my encouragement is, do the yoga! When the instructor says something I don’t agree with spiritually, I just move on, filling my mind with worship and praise to God as I relax and stretch. It’s very rewarding!

I have found another fun website resource (link to the right on the homepage) for Prevention magazine. There are several 60-second videos with some great information. I watched one video explaining how, after eating a cheeseburger, you should dig into some frozen yogurt in order to reduce fat absorption. It’s true! Check it out!

And here are a few fun tips from my Fitness Magazine:

Good for you goodies:

If you’re craving: Dig into:

Chocolate Chip Cookies Kahsi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Chip cookies. These are packed with so many “good for you” ingredients. (I have had these and they are terrific. They have high calories for a snack though, so you will only want one… but you’ll really want two!)

Brownies Glenny’s All Natural 100 Cal Brownies. They’re gooey, rich, low in fat (0 trans fats), high in fiber and individually packaged for easy portion control.

Cake Amy’s Organic Orange Cakes. All natural with no trans or saturated fat and only 180 calories per thick slice, this pound cake won’t pack on the pounds.

I hope the “hard body” part of your day includes some “heart healthy” moving about and a “heart healthy” goody like a Kashi Chocolate Chip cookie! Target sells them. J

The Head Part:

Well, tomorrow (which is actually today as I am writing this a day late) is the start of my “head” journey. This week I will focus only on my CSET studying. Please pray for me! I have one week to bone up on Algebra (basic, so not too bad) and geometry (ugh! This is torture for me!) I also need to learn all I can about science and physical education. If you are wondering why I waited until now to start, Quinn has been home on break for the past 3 weeks. I cannot study with him in the house. Now, I could have scheduled some time to go the library after Todd got home from work to get a head start on this, but the truth is I do best under pressure. Having a short time frame in which to study really helps me focus. Of course, sometimes procrastinating hurts me in that I run out of time. That’s the risk here. Hopefully 5 days will be enough to get me where I need to be. Once the CSET is passed I can then focus on marketing my voice studio and looking for some local auditions to do some singing for my supper. My goals then, related to the “head” part of this purposeful living are:

1. Pass my CSET on 1/9

2. Pass my CBEST on 1/26

3. Market my voice studio (10 students by March 1)

4. Audition for local singing opps (studio work, musicals, San Diego Opera Chorus)

So that’s my day “3” of my 40 days of purposeful living!

If you have a second, send me an email or Facebook message and let me know how your journey is coming along!

Loving you “on purpose”,

Natalie