Day 10, only 21 days in! ha-ha

Hello my Purpose Driven Friends!

I am writing day 10 today and it's the 21st. I know you aren't has hard on me as I am on me, but let me just update you with this good news; I have continued to exercise everyday (except the Sunday "rest" day). My daily bible reading is NOT happening, though I'm not too behind, and though my daily devotional has fallen by the wayside a bit, I haven't stopped completely- in fact, I am loving it! As is typical for me, I am having trouble making the changes in my lifestyle. I do desire to read my bible and pray every single day. I know I will get there. And I'm giving myself a lot of grace.

My New Year's resolution is really more of a prayer, "Change me." I had to admit to God that I had become lazy in all areas of my life; physical, spiritual, mental. And so, I began this journey. The three "highlight" goals were: get fit (a little weightloss), get credentialed and sing more, and heal my broken spirit. That last part is a bit heavy, and so I haven't actually admitted the "broken spirit" thing to you until today. But today, I am ready. And I suspect I am ready because I can feel my spirit beginning to heal, and for some reason now that I am on the road to recovery, I don't feel quite so ashamed to admit, my spirit is broken.

So, why would I feel ashamed of a broken spirit? What, exactly, is a broken spirit, you may be wondering? For several years, about 6 actually, I have felt consumed by fear. This culminated 2 years ago with a full on panic attack. What ensued after that was medication. I also took classes through my healthcare provider to help me heal from the anxiety (by their standards sans God... but of course I take God into every experience I have!) . The classes worked. Truly, knowledge is power! :)

Anyway, that broken spirit thing... sounds scary, huh? It is scary. Anxiety is extremely painful. It's hard on your entire person; spirit, mind and body. It makes your muscles sore, it makes you shake, it makes you sleep, and it keeps you from sleeping! It causes you to have to give up Starbucks (boo-hoo). So, the anxiety was a big part of my broken spirit. In my broken spirit I also experience intense fear of doctors (very new for me), and death-sentence diagnoses (at that time I had said goodbye to too many friends my age who had died of cancer). I'm afraid of surgery and anesthesia. I actually had a dental implant done while awake! CRAZY! All of this stems from my fear of not being "in control." The fear brings on anxiety and this is part of what I believe had broken my spirit.

I use the term "had" because I am spiritually on the mend. Last month in church, my pastor referenced the "broken spirit." And I can't remember his exact words but it was basically describing a person without hope, and the light went on in my head. I had been wondering for a long time why I was so worried all the time about everything. I knew I was becoming unhealthy. And that day, I had a name for it, "broken spirit." It made my life make so much sense!

I suppose a broken spirit comes from years of wanting to trust God, only to not really trust him. Think about that; if the one thing in the world you claim to rely on for everything, continually lets you down, you eventually stop relying, right? And no, God had not let me down continually, but I had not let myself heal from all the disappointments in life. The truth was (and still sometimes is) that I don't really trust God. Trusting God is not easy for me.

So, reading The Purpose Driven Life is bringing about such healing. And my quiet time in prayer and worship to the Lord is also bringing about its own level of comfort. I want to get to the point where I can say and really believe, "Lord, you've got this. Everything is going to be okay." That last statement is actually quite powerful when I consider that "my okay" is not always "his okay." I think that is a big statement!

And perhaps that is why I set The Purpose Driven Life down for a week. The last chapter kicked my behind! It was about surrender. I don't like surrender. I don't like it one bit. I didn't like it when my friend Dan had to surrender his life and leave his darling family behind last year. I didn't like it when my sister surrendered her life and left us 2 years ago. I didn't like it when my friend Tana surrendered her life and left her husband and two teenagers behind. I cringe inside every time I hear about another young parent leaving this world and leaving behind a family that needs him or her. Are you getting a theme here? That's right... that's my big issue. Because every day for 6 years, since I became a mom, I have lived in the fear that God might make me surrender the same thing. Every day with the fear... every day for six years. That's a long time to be afraid at such an intense level. That will break a spirit.

So, you know, I'm a work in progress. :) I'm working through that. I want to believe that if something happened to me, Quinn would be okay. But, he's not a typical little guy. He's amazing- but he has his own life challenges to manage and get through. I'm not sure what his life will look like as a teen or adult; it won't be "typical." I've accepted that. But, with that understanding comes even more passion about how much my little boy needs me. I never want to let go but I do know I need to. Sooner than later, I suspect, if I want this healing I am seeking in my spirit.

Well, there is whole lot that sits beneath that issue I just disclosed. My own childhood, my disappointments in God, my abandonment issues... etc, etc, etc. :) I have discussed these with a therapist and like all the other areas of my life, I 'm working on it one day at a time. So, now you know why a chapter on Surrender had me contemplating for several days. Here's a summary:

"The Heart of Worship is Surrender"

Pastor Warren writes, "Surrendering to God is the heart of worship. It's the natural response to God's amazing love and mercy. Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about."

There are three barriers to surrender:

1. Fear (Really?! Seriously? LOL)

2. Pride

3. Confusion

We don't realize how much God loves us. We want to control our lives and we misunderstand the meaning of surrender."

Fear

Obviously, this is the core of my issue. The question, "can I trust God" is the essential element of surrender. If that's the case, then I have some work to do. The more I understand how much God loves me, the easier surrender becomes. That makes sense. I do this dance with Quinn every day. I don't want him to go to bed without brushing his teeth... because I know how horrible cavities and root canals are. I know how painful an impacted tooth is. I never want him to feel that so I wake him up if I have to, in order to brush his teeth at night. He gets so mad at me. He fights me. He cries LOUDLY. And there I am, dragging his little bottom to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Eventually, he surrenders... but not without a fight. It's because I love him that I force him to do that which makes him unhappy and uncomfortable. I do it to spare him future pain.

Why do I have such a hard time surrendering to such love? Love that is so expansive, that Jesus stretched out his arms on a tool of torture and death (the cross) and bled and died for me. Selah.

"God is a lover and a liberator and surrendering to him his freedom, not bondage. " RW.

Okay, so that is one powerful statement that I don't get. But I want to get it. I will get it.

Pride

Admit your limitations. We are "creatures"... created beings, not in charge of the universe. We are only in charge of what God gives us control over. Our life-span here on earth? Nope, we aren't in charge of that, either.

I recognize that the desire to have complete control over myself and my future is what causes stress in my life. It's sin (pride). It's basically me telling my creator, that I want to be him... I want to be God. I want control. It's "my" life. And you know what? I will NEVER win that struggle. It's the battle Satan started with God and lost.

Now, I know I don't really want to be God. But, the pride involved in not surrendering is just that. And that is sin. And that is the ugly truth. Ukk. Ukk..

A.W. Tozer wrote, "The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders and interfering with God's work within us." Wow, he gets it! Oh, my!

I can accept my humanity cognitively, but not emotionally. When faced with my own limitations I do react, as Pastor Warren suggests, with irritation, anger and resentment.

I want to have it all, do it all, and be it all. I become upset when it doesn't happen and I blame God. Instead of being grateful for all that I have (this life that really isn't mine anyway) I respond to him with ungratefulness, and envy and jealousy of those that do, in my mind, have it all.

Surrendering my life to God means sacrificing my life or suffering in order to change what needs to be changed.

CS Lewis wrote, "The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we bcome, because he made us." Surrender is demonstrated by obedience and trust.

Oops... there's that word AGAIN... trust. And I can be candid here... I'm not that great at obeying either!

There is so much more I could write but this entry is too long now. I do want to add the good news, though. Surrender brings blessing: peace, freedom, and God's power to overcome. Wow- I need all three of those to heal my broken spirit.

After reading the chapter on Surrender and writing pages of notes, I wrote a prayer to God in which I surrendered the following: regret, Quinn, marriage, money, music, health, my time. I started here. I' m sure there is more to surrender, but these areas are the big ones in my life at the moment.

I won't write the prayer here- it's several pages. But, here few statements:

Regret- "... there is no break from the mess I created by that decision to do the very thing you told me not to do. I know you've already forgiven me, and today I forgive myself. This regret I feel is yours... I lay it at your feet. I will probably pick it up again, but when I do, you'll see me here... discarding it once more. I surrender it to you."

Quinn- I give you Quinn, my darling boy and all that he is to me. When I am tempted to make him the center of my life, remind me that he belongs to you.

Music- I surrender my music. Somewhere, some how, it stopped being about worshiping you and started being about me. My voice isn't good enough. I've actually been upset with you about that. I'm sorry. And I've coveted other's gifts as if the one you gave me was inadequate. I don't deserve it... I know that. It's yours....

Well, I do so despise ending on a down note. :) I guess I'll close by asking you, do you have as much to surrender as I do? Pastor Warren writes that we may have to surrender these things to God numerous times a day. That's both a bothersome and refreshing thought. At least I know I'm not alone!

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie