Day 11!

As I know it is difficult to journal every single day, I am going to count on the fact that one does not have time to read every single day either. Meaning, you most likely have not missed me because you have plenty to do! Ha-ha!

I am 11 days into the book The Purpose Driven Life, but 28 days into my new year's resolution of "Change Me." It's going beautifully!

The 28-day me is more optimistic and has more faith. She feels closer to God now than in a long time. She feels more centered. She is more in touch with her family, her dogs, her friends and her heart. She has taken all of her credentialing exams (and has passed all that have reported to her... one report left to go!). She is up to date on her homework assignments for her teaching and learning theory class. The 28-day me has exercised 24 days out of the last 28. That's a record!

I am not rushing the book. Though I know it is designed to be read a chapter a day, honestly I like to spend more time with the concepts. And as I have been preoccupied with studying, some of my reading has fallen by the wayside on a few days. To this end I continue to attempt improvement. I know if I got up an hour before the rest of my family I would get bible study in every single day. Now that I feel I have the physical fitness piece figured out, I am going to focus more on the spiritual.

Baby Steps.

The Head Part & the Hard Body Part

Okay, so I typically define these steps separately but today they go together. I have so much to share!

First of all, the 28-day me is HEAVIER and her waist is BIGGER. Nope, not kidding. 20 years ago, 24 days of exercise would have MELTED weight off of me! I am not naive. I knew that would not happen here, but can I be honest? I was hopeful!!!! I haven't exercised regularly in so long I really thought that perhaps, just maybe, pretty-please, my body would surprise me. It hasn't it. :(

The day I committed to working out daily for 40 days was the day I also made another, subconsious deal with myself. I've pondered this and I suspect that deal went something like, "Okay, so I'm going to be MAKING myself exercise daily. So, in essence I'll be giving up something... my slovenly ways... a little TV... an extra hour of sleep. And as I am giving up something, then I will also get something. That something will be to eat what I want, in the amount I want, when I want. I deserve it b/c I am sacrificing other things. And I can't just sacrifice anything without getting something in return." In short, I can't SURRENDER without getting something. (Yes, you heard me. Still working on the surrender thing.)

Hmmm... help me purpose-driven readers. What is up with that? Okay, I've analyzed it, but I'd be interested to see if you share in any of this type of thinking.

So, I won't spend too much time on my childhood here, but I must touch on it to sum up what is going on with this give-up-to-get mentality. We were poor. We had food, mostly hand-me-down clothing, and one car. We were not allowed to do anything extra-curricular or social, due to financial and transportation constraints. Most of the time I felt pretty bad about myself and my situation. Yes, it could have been worse, but as a child you can hardly know that. One way my mother showed us love was to bake us amazing treats. There were no food rules in our house. No one made us clean our plate, shoved broccoli down our throats, or limited the amount of soda we drank. Fresh baked cookies and cakes daily filled the "poor" void, and on most depressingly empty summer days I ate myself into oblivion. I must have had an amazing metabolism because I skinny until my early twenties. And so, I suspect that somewhere deep rooted in my desire to belong and be loved is this false life belief, "I feel loved and accepted by eating sweets. When I taste something sweet, I know my parents love me. I know I am worthy. I know I am okay. Even though I am terribly lonely."

Now, that lonely thing is not part of my belief system today. No longer do I live miles away from civilization with my only outlet being the Saturday morning haul to town for groceries! But, letting myself eat with abandon is definitely satisfying a deeply rooted need in me to not just be loved, but to be FREE. It's like I'm saying, "Finally, I am free to be ME!" All those lost opportunities because of our financial status? Those were the most devastating. All those years a talented, social little Natalie was dieing inside, ready to burst and explode with relationships, passion and desire to communicate her thoughts and feelings about life. Most days I sat in my room listening to records, eating potato chips and writing poetry in a journal... wondering if I mattered to anyone, and eating more and more. When I put boundaries around myself I do not feel free, and to compensate I remove boundaries in other ways. Alright... enough of the roots of my psychosis now.

So yes, I love food. I love to eat it when I want and how I want and I don't want anyone telling me I can't have something.

So, what to do? Somewhere around here I have Dr. Phil's book that addresses how to change a belief system. I recall when I read that several years ago that he had some good advice on this matter. I'd like to revisit it.

Also, I have enlisted the help of a friend, Mari Ann Lisenbe of the Mari Method. In this matter, I admit it. I need help!

The Mari Method

I joined The Mari Method just today. Upon beginning I did an inventory of weight and measurements and that was when I discovered that I am bigger today than I was 28 days ago. Wow, this help is coming just in time!

The second step was to watch a "brain" video. It was beautiful. As the amazing images scroll across the screen they are supported by heroic, inspiring music, and wonderful "I" statements such as:

• I choose to honor my body
• I choose to forgive those who have hurt me
• I choose to forgive myself
• I love my life

Wow. Those are powerful words. Seeing them along with the images and hearing them along with the music provided such a positive place for my mind to be. Instantly I believed, "I can do this. I can get control of my eating. I can."

Along with the body inventory and brain video, comes a very easy to follow chart of the foods to seek out and the ones to avoid, along with sample menus and recipes. She literally holds your hand through each and every step. And it's not so much about loosing weight as it is about getting control back of your life. The final step to start is a fitness video hosted by Mari Ann. I haven't done the video yet, but will today. I'll let you know what I think.

I'm feeling GREAT about this step!

Okay- more about the mind/body.

I'm getting older. I'm 42, nearly 43. I see pictures of myself and I wonder... is that me? Because those eyes really don't look like mine. It's true. The eye lids are sagging. The jowels are sagging, too. I know, I know. It's nothing at 42 compared to what it will be at 62! Stop complaining! I am complaining a little bit. I am. But, I also accept that aging happens and I would rather grow old gracefully than have plastic surgery. I would feel very untrue to me (this is just me) if I had plastic surgery. I think of Meg Ryan when I say this. In her youth she had these amazing eyes! And, her eyelids have sagged. When I see her now, i think, "She doesn't have that eye structure she used to" and though I do not know if she has had plastic surgery, she looks different and older than when she played Sally (I'll have what she's having!) and she's still lovely. It does happen... ageing beautifully.

So, I am embarking on one more journey that embraces an important change for me; taking care of my skin. I have often been told that I have great skin. Literally, strangers have said this to me in grocery store lines. I'm not kidding! And this is the girl who washes her face with anything she has laying around in the shower... castille soap, shower gel, or shampoo. And until this past year when the "elevens" became deeper between my eyes (those little vertical lines between my eyebrows) I had almost never used moisturizer. Don't say it, because I already feel ashamed!

One of my unspoken New Year's resolutions regarding "change me" was for me to do something about my skincare and for me to become consistent in combating the signs of aging. Modern technology makes it possible, why not give it a try? As I was just about to post a request on my Facebook account asking who has tried Jane Seymour's product or Heidi Klum's product, my dear friend Janene sent me an offer I could not refuse. As if reading my mind, she offered me a 6 day trial set of her neighbor's new skincare called Cellular Age Advange by Apriori Beauty. Janene's friend has been setting the standard in skincare for many hears. CAA is her new contribution.

CAA noursihes skin from the inside out. Along with 6 days of external products, comes 6 days of internal product; Lifeoxylin Elixir. The ingredient list is long and impressive. I find this dual approach fascinating. I have always believed in drinking water because it hydrates skin from the inside out. With this approach, skin cells are being treated the same way. WOW!

So, I started using the product just today. I am not exaggerating. My "elevens" appear to be nearly gone. Now, I know they will never be gone... they are there after all! But I love that just a few moments after applying the products their appearance diminished. Incredible! Let me know if you want more information!

I'll write more about CAA after I've used it a few more days.

The Heart Part

Oh, I am so liking this section of the book, The Purpose Driven Life! It's all about being a friend of God.

Rick Warren, sighting numerous scriptures, states that God wants to be your best friend. I cannot even imagine. Honestly, I see God as a sovereign ruler... big man... in charge... regardless of how I feel about it. Does that sound harsh? I suspect it is somewhat harsh, but honesty is a big part of my journey here. And honestly, I want to see him more as my friend than anything. What could be more fulfilling than to be "friends" with God?

Jesus said in John 15:15, "I no longer call you servants. I call you friends." Yep. That's what he said about us. Imagine that! And the word he used in this scripture conveys this meaning: close, trusted friend. Can God trust me? Hmm... something to think about.

Here's another "selah" moment, "God planned the universe and each of our lives and history, so we could become his friends." (Acts 17:26 -27)

Per Pastor Warren, there are six secrets to friendship with God. He discusses two in this chapter. They are:

• Constant Conversation
• Continual Meditation

I think the constant conversation is something I actually do well, but never realized it was a bonding opportunity with God. He is always on my mind. I do find myself talking to him a lot about just the ordinary stuff in my day. For example, "Hmm... didn't realize we were out of milk. I wish that husband you gave me would tell me when he drinks the last of it. You'd think after 10 years he'd remember to do that." Okay- JOKING! But serious, I could very well say to God, "Hmmm, didn't know I was out of milk." Or I might say, "God, I do not want to do this laundry." There are many things I mention to him throughout my day. Now, I'm going to be more mindful of doing so. If I pause to listen, I do believe he will share in the dialog!

"Friendship with God is built by sharing all of my life experiences with him." RW This is in conversation, everyday activities, problems, thoughts. In essence, "praying without ceasing."

Aha! Alone time with God is important, but more important is this; take God everywhere. It is your act of worship. And remember, that is why we are here... to worship him!

So, changing my attitude toward what I am doing to include (or be mindful of) God will enhance my relationship with him. Imagine if everything I did in a day were done for the glory of God! Eating, bathing, working, relaxing... sounds radical, huh?! I wonder... how would my diet change if I were to consider God before eating something? Would I eat that donut? Probably. It was, after all, just a thought! Okay, I'm only partially joking. This point is something I am willing to consider more deeply. I'll let you know what happens!

Because God is with me all the time, there is no place that is any closer to God than the place I am right now. It's kind of like that saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." If God is in you, where you go, there He is.

Okay, there is, as always, so much more I could share on this matter, but let me get to point number two so I can sum up for today.

Meditation

A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Part of my recovery plan (recovered, thank you) was taking self-hypnosis and meditation classes through my health care provider. Frankly, I really loved the medicine! But I didn't need it after just a few weeks of these amazing classes.

The self-hypnosis class was very eye-opening. Self-hypnosis is basically doing what Jesus said to do... "whatsoever things are good and honest and lovely and of good report, think on these things." It's all about renewing your mind. Only, instead of using a visual of the bottom of a pool to renew my mind, I focused on God's glorious creation. And instead of a self-help phrase, I chose a short scripture. Self hypnosis was simply about taking that lie that had been playing over and over in my brain, and replacing it with truth. There's no "checking out" or half-conscious or sub-conscious state of mind or anything. You remain very aware through the whole experience and I found it to be extremely rewarding.

The meditation part was so amazingly scriptural. In meditation you don't "check out" either. Conversely, you become very aware of exactly where you are. The room you are in. The sounds you hear. You become aware of the "here and now" and you accept it for what it is. It simply "is" and there is often nothing you can do to change it. In these moments you meditate on truth. It's exactly as Jesus commanded! Renew your mind with the Word of God.

Pastor Warren adds this interesting twist, "If you know how to worry, you know how to meditate." WOW! I am such a good worrier! To worry is to ruminate on the fear over and over again until it's part of you and frankly, debilitating. So, replace that fear with truth. Ruminate on the truth of God's word instead. "The more you meditate on God's world, the less you will have to worry about." That's good stuff! I can feel optimism practically taking me over!

And a final thought on this fear issue (which, as you know is part of the healing I am seeking in this 40 day journey), when a debilitating thought comes into your mind (often brought up by a bad memory) ask yourself, "Is this true?" And then ask, "Am I absolutely 100% sure it is true?" Then ask, "How do I feel when I think that thought?" Then, "Who would I be without this thought?" Finally, turn the thought around. Replace the worry with truth.

Job said, "I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my daily bread." Job 23:12.

Here's another intesting point from Pastor Warren, "Friends share secrets." Okay, that is SO true! I do love a good intrigue! I love to share secrets with my friends and my husband. But God? I mean, he knows it all! Well, consider that in this friendship God is sharing his secrets with you. Per RW, "God will share his secrets with you if you get in the habit of thinking about his word through your day." I'm very interested to know God's secrets. Don't you think that could just about wipe fear off of the face of your planet?

Ps 25:14, "Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence him. With them alone He shares the secrets of his promises."

Prayer lets me speak to God.

Meditation lets God speak to me.

In closing, I am very excited about pursuing this BFF friendship with God. Prayer, meditation, doing his will, hearing his voice. What do you do to cultivate your friendship with the creator of the universe? Pretty amazing thought!

Thanks for joining me, as always. I have read ahead and the next chapter that explores the 4 other ways to puruse a friendship with God are SO powerful! I can't wait to share them with you!

Loving you on purpose,

Natalie