Day 8! 1/8/2010

"You created everything and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created." Rev. 4:11

Hello friends. Well, as I said in my last entry here I am catching up. Wrong! In my last entry I wrote that I would catch up on days 8 through 11 with a brief summary. And now, three more days have past and here I am, just now writing. "Whatever," I say to myself! :) Meaning, I do not like making commitments that I do not keep. Hey, isn't there a growth opportunity in there somewhere related to the "head" part of this journey? Well, I do believe there is!

The reality is, I do not know how to catch up. :) So, today is Thursday, January 14th. I will update you on the head and hard-body parts of my 40 day journey first as those are the easiest and then I will combine a few chapters of The Purpose Driven Life in this entry and those to come. My point is, I am committing to catch up without a plan. How's that?

On this 40 day journey I committed to exercise by body daily, exercise my heart (spirit) daily and exercise my head daily. The desirable outcomes are; a thinner me, a more peaceful me, and a more successful me (gainfully employed would be nice, but not necessary). So, overall how am I doing? Here is the update, 14 days in!

The "Hard Body" part:

This is going great. I think it's the easiest for me to do. Think about it- though it takes commitment to get moving, the fact is that our bodies were made to move. Every day I find opportunity to exercise even if it is not in a formal way. For example, I walked to Quinn's bus stop the other day and took the dogs. When we got home we ditched the backpack and kept going... the dogs in hand and Quinn on his pedal "go cart". Good, wholesome exercise for one and all. I ended up pushing Quinn up a 3/4 of a mile, very steep hill. I actually sprinted for part of it. It took me the rest of the walk home to catch my breath! Somewhere in the back of my mind is a little voice saying, "When you push your body to change it will rise to the occasion. So push!" (That voice is Marco, one of the Exercisetv trainers, by the way.)

Another fun thing I added to my workout schedule (doing the Exercisetv.tv hard body workout plan) is boot camp. This is a relatively new buzz word in the exercise community! And I'm doing it! Trend setter me! (Actually, I suspect I am a bit behind the trend.)

There is certainly something to be said for partnering with a friend to exercise. I went one time and so thoroughly enjoyed myself, that I signed up for next month, too! The hour flies by with other women with whom to chat, and a fun, inspiring leader who points you in every right direction; "Okay, now let's take a lap... okay... 45 seconds of army crawl... go... okay... let's cool down and stretch!" What? Already time to cool down? COOL! When working out to my TV I always have one eye on the clock and am wondering, when will this torture be over?! When working out with a group of women, much like my fond memories of gym class (yes, I reminisce of gym class with fondness), there's camaraderie, shared experience, shared pain and shared laughter. (And these ladies bring their toddlers and babies... how fun is that? Exercising with all these little cutie pies toddling about?) It's inspiring!

And by the way, regarding gym class, if you struggle with weight when did it start? When you stopped taking gym class? Gym class is brilliant. In my school we were done with gym after our sophomore year. And yes, that is the year the battle with my weight started for me. Think about it... one simple hour (45 minutes, really) of getting the heart rate up a bit and having fun with some friends. FITNESS!!!! What a concept! Gym class, hooray for you!

What's my point? If you have time and can find an affordable and time-convenient boot camp, go for it! I am not one that is fond of the gym. Going solo and hanging out with weight machines and cardio equipment and people I barely know has no appeal for me. Nor does the $30 a month in dues. The classes? I get bored with them. I need change-up in my routine. I get that from picking and choosing video exercise online and on cable TV, from mixing it up with friends for walks and bike rides, taking my family to the park, and doing the boot camp. Find what works for you and do something 30 minutes a day. Take it from me, you'll feel so much better when you do!

Speaking of feeling better, my back pain is nearly gone! Wow!

So... 14 days into daily exercise and am I thinner? No way. In the beginning I lost over a inch, but I suspect now that had to do with me kicking up my water to at least 64 ounces a day. I have not lost weight for what I believe are two reasons: one, easy come, easy go. Water up a day? Water down a day? Body bloated... (thank you for the gift, mother nature)? This is too important a time for me to be weighted down by the scale. The reality is, at 42 my body is not going to change that fast and neither is yours. So, go easy on yourself. I was going to weigh weekly but I am now going to wait a few more weeks. I do think it's important to weigh regularly, to keep tabs on where you are at in your goals, but I don't want to be discouraged right now. If, in 2 weeks (then 4 weeks of daily exercise) I have not lost any weight or inches, I will need an intervention!!!!

And that intervention will be in the area of nutrition. Which is, I know, the other reason for me not loosing an ounce. Yep, nutrition is my "bad" word. I do this terrible, terrible thing. I do! When I exercise I take full license to eat whatever I want (there is yet another "head" journey in that statement). We've discussed this before. No, I haven't worked on it. Oh, I will. I have had seasons of my life where not so much as one molecule of processed white sugar has passed my lips! Extended periods of time... or "hell" more aptly described. Those fad diets worked for me, but they are not my "lifestyle," and I did not enjoy my life while adhering to them. I'm not sure where my healthy, balanced diet lies but I will figure it out. That's the next step on my "small steps" journey. So far, 2 weeks of movement and water and I'm doing great. Nutrition next, and in the very near future. I will not fail!

The "head" part:

On January 9th I took my CSET. This is the test that will enable me to be a teaching intern in the fall. That means I will get paid to student teach, which is something my husband would greatly appreciate! :) It is necessary and so passing the test matters a great deal. However, I underestimated how much would need to be reviewed to prepare adequately. I will not be surprised or disappointed if I did not pass. I have passed 1/2 of this test already, so I am almost there. If I did not pass the math/science section then I will have another try in March. And I will be adequately prepared since now I know exactly what the test looks like. Not passing is "not great" but it isn't horrible either. I'll get there. I have time and I have a plan in place should I need it.

Also, on January 26 I will take my CBEST. Passing this test will allow me to be a substitute teacher. I fully expect to pass. I am taking the practice test on line right now in bits and pieces and it is very easy. No worries. No studying needed here.

There are other parts of my "head" journey to consider and I haven't written much about them. (I know, this entry is getting long... sorry for that... it's what I get when I wait 3 days to write.) I won't go into them here except to list them for my own accountability and to share briefly about my experience with a life coach!

During the next several months, I plan on pursuing the things in life I have always wanted to pursue but have always felt like my full-time-completely-not-in-my-element-really-not-a-fit-job prevented me from purusing. Well, now that I don't have that "FTCNIMEFNAF JOB" I have no excuses. Here are the goals:

1. Perform more vocally (studio work, San Diego Opera chorus (dream BIG), live theater productions)

2. Send out my book proposal (it's written, just not refined or sent)

3. Build my vocal studio

I met with a life coach this week and she gave me the "how to" of SMART goals. More on all of this another time. My point is, I am on my way and life coach Lisa & I are holding each other accountable. Good stuff!

The "Heart" part (chapters 8 & 9 of the book):

Well, as I knew it would be, this Purpose Driven Life book is AMAZING! If you have never read it, please do yourself a favor and get it. If you have read it, read it again. In fact, I think it's one of those books that bears revisiting once a year. It's full of truth and wonderful reminders of our great God and the intimate relationship he seeks with his kids.

I'm going to highlight chapters 8 and 9 in my journaling today. This is in part of an effort to get all caught up.

Chapter 8 of The Purpose Driven Life is titled, "Planned for God's Pleasure."

You were planned for God's pleasure.

God created everything for his pleasure. It's why we exist. It makes him happy. He thought of me before the foundations of the world and he was happy with the thought of me. ME! Not like I see me, but like only he can see me. If I try and imagine God gaining pleasure of looking at me the way I look at me, full of doubt, mistrust, fear, unkind thoughts and selfish desires, then I don't get it. Oh, and if I look and I see me via the "good stuff"... because I do have "good stuff"... it's still not good enough because we all have good stuff, right? The only way it makes sense is to know that God's view of me is so much more whole than my view of me.

Bringing enjoyment to God and living for his pleasure is the first purpose of my life. WOW!

When I finally understand this truth, I will never again have the problem of feeling insignificant. I am so valuable, God wants to keep me for eternity. What greater significance could I have?

Psalm 147:11, "The Lord is pleased only with those who worship him and trust his love." Worship him... worship him... worship him... where have I heard this before?!

Worship is a lifestyle... it's more than just music. It's not for my benefit. It's not part of my life, it is my life (or it should be). Pastor Warren suggests the secret for a lifestyle of worship is to do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus. Sounds radical! I'm going to give it a try!

Something else Pastor Warren writes that causes a light to go on for me is this, "by constantly thinking of Jesus, I am abiding in his love. That's real worship, falling in love with Jesus." I've often wondered, how do I abide in him? What common task am I doing daily that I could start doing for Jesus? That's something to think about!

Chapter 9- What Makes God Smile?

"The smile of God is the goal of your life." Well, Pastor Warren, that's some lofty goal! Holy cow! :) Fortunately, the text goes on to give a perfect example, Noah. Noah pleased God and because of that, human kind was spared during the flood wherein God wiped evil from the face of the earth. If not for Noah pleasing god, you and I would not exist!

Ephesians 5:10, "Figure out what will please God and then do it." Well, that's pretty simple, I'd have to say! And it's complicated. How do I know what pleases God? Turns out, it's in "The Book!"

Pastor Warren writes that the following makes God smile:

1. My trust

2. My love

3. My obedience (uh oh)

4. My praise continually (uh oh- squared)

5. Using my abilities

I can say that I honestly need work in all of these areas, as I suspect many people do. I say I love him, but do I keep his commandments? Jesus did say, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." I know I am not obedient. I won't elaborate on that today, but just know it's so. I don't praise him continually, rather I complain about most things... to him! Some days nothing he has done for me is quite good enough. And using my abilities for him? Well, I probably waffle on that one but I will add that I'm working on that. Being an educator will allow me to work in a job full time wherein I will be using my God-given abilities daily. I'm so looking forward to that!

So, I haven't talked about trust. This is the BIGGIE for me! My lack of trust in God is, I believe, at the core of my dealing with mild anxiety disorder. Remember my life metaphor? Bouncing around from light to light, running from the shadows that are waiting to swallow me up? Yea, that one. Well, fear is at the core of anxiety. And God's word states clearly, "Prefect love casts out all fear." I've been praying for a long time that God would perfect His love in me, and honestly I don't even know what I am praying. I just keep asking. I know he will reveal it to me. I do trust him for that.

The day I read this part about trust, I had an experience earlier in the day that I believe God used to set me up for this reading. This is where I say, "Wow! God, you are so cool! Why do I ever doubt you?" He had a lesson for me to drive this truth about trust home.

Quinn & I went for a walk after school. He was on his pedal go-cart and I had both dogs in tow (no easy task). We walked for probably 2 miles. About a third of the way on our journey we passed infront of an elementary school. There are apartments across the street. As we walked, a van pulled up infront of us and slowed. It was driven by one man in his mid-thirties or so, and all of the windows had sheets taped over them. My pace quickened as the van slowed down. Then the van turned around and parked opposite us on the street. Out of the corner of my eye I watched to see if someone was going to come from the apartment to get into the van. No one came. I walked quickly past and then at the next available street I turned right. Now, I don't usually see a "Dick Dasterdly" in every creepy looking van, but it bothered me that this guy was just hanging out in front of an elementary school just after school was released. As I went up the next street I began looking for an alternate route home... anything to avoid going by that van again. Unfortunately, all my searching was in vain. My only option was to go to the store nearby and call Todd to come get us (however, I did not have my phone on me and Todd was at work, so not the most convenient choice). So, we started back from whence we came. The whole time I had my eye on the van and I was praying.

As is typcial for my spirited little boy, he was just giving that go-cart heck! He was all over the sidewalk and running into the things, creating a bunch of noise, etc. I zig-zagged through the school parking lot and kept trying to put off the "pass by the van moment" as long as I could... thinking it would hopefully move on. Finally, I told Quinn, "Buddy, I need you to drive straight and when we get to the street, no messing around. Just turn left and I will push you up the hill. In fact, I'll run! Ooh, fun! I'll push you up the hill super fast!" (In my mind, I can see me trying to outrun a mysterious van, going up hill. Yea, right!) Well, Quinn could not hang with that program. He was his typical self. He wanted to do it on his own and he wanted to do it his way! I knew that van wasn't safe. I wanted to protect him from it. In that we had to pass by it, I was doing all I could to get by quickly and not draw attention to us. Quinn wanted the opposite. I was pretty frustrated with him, but so as not to add to the scene, I let him go his way within reason. It was a lot of work to get him where I needed and wanted him to be. And, he had no clue that an unsafe situation had presented itself. I needed him to TRUST me, to trust blindly that I knew what was best, and I needed him to do what I said.

Later as I was thinking through that stressful situation, I realized the parallel. God is guiding me, knowing what is best for me, and asking that I trust him. I am bucking the system, wanting to be ME, wanting life to be about ME, and not wanting to do what he asks, even if it is in my best interest. Why? Because like a self-centered six year old, sometimes I just want what I want. How often does it grieve God as I am going through self-induced pain? How often does he look at me and without malice or arrogance say, "If only you had listened to me."

I'll close with this bright thought. Taken, again, from my text The Purpose Driven Life, "When I live in the light of eternity, my focus changes from "How much am I getting out of life" to "How much pleasure is God getting out of my life?" That's life changing thinking!

And of course, that's the journey that I am on. Change me, Lord. Help me to ask myself, "How much pleasure are you, God, getting out of my life?"

Thanks for checking in today. I so appreciate your spending some time with me. And as always, I value your feedback and thoughts.

Loving you (on purpose),

Natalie

Day 3! 1/3/10

The Heart Part:

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” (RW)

So true. The bigger question is, however, how do we free ourselves from the pain of our past? I have a theory about forgiveness. If forgiveness were easy, it wouldn’t be forgiveness! Think about that for a moment. Certainly there are infractions against me that are easy to forgive; the person who cuts me off in traffic (because after all, I don’t know that driver), the friend who tells a secret and exposes something I am ashamed of (a friend who loves me and didn’t mean to hurt me), or an unkind word spoken in the heat of the moment (she didn’t say that intentionally to hurt me, she was just in a hurting place herself). Even those smaller issues involve process, some longer than others.

What about the BIG hurts? What about the childhood wound from thirty years ago that gets rehearsed over and over in my mind when something painful happens today? Or, an issue in my marriage that will rise up at an inopportune time and take my by surprise? These are all things I have worked through, yet they still make uninvited appearances in my memory, giving resentment an opportunity show up as well. I don’t know the answer to these questions I am asking. However, I do know that forgiveness is a process. It’s the process of me revisiting those hurts without feeling bitterness toward the ones who hurt me. Forgiveness is a fresh and new opportunity to say, “Yes, Lord. I forgive.” Knowing that each time this process is rubbing off a bit more of a rough edge, gilding me a little brighter.

The actual title of The Purpose Driven Life chapter today was, “What drives your life?” I find this question a little haunting. The statement in the previous paragraph was about the person who is driven by resentment or anger, and I identified somewhat with that person… at least on some level. Not everything I do is driven by anger, but I know that some things I do consistently are the result of unresolved anger in my life. The other drives that Warren reveals are:

1. Resentment & Anger- they allow their past to control their future
2. Fear- fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God wants you to be
3. Materialism- possessions only provide temporary happiness
4. Need for Approval- unfortunately, those who follow the crowd eventually get lost in it

Though the question, “what drives me?” is hard for me to answer, I can honestly say that I identify to some degree with all four of the possibilities listed.

In my daily Bible reading yesterday was the story of Cain and Able. I read the words of God’s curse on Cain, “You will be a restless wanderer on the earth,” and I cringed a little inside. I thought to myself, “I sadly identify with that.” And then on page 28 of my text, The Purpose Driven Life, I read it again… the exact same words! Oh yes, I think that is a God thing. I had to sit up and take notice of the scripture- you will be a restless wanderer on the earth. I must admit I have felt that way at many times in my life… wandering without a purpose.

I don’t think the reasons behind that last statement are as important as the goal to become someone with purpose. I do go there, though…to that place where I rationalize, “Well, I did that because I thought this…”etc. Perhaps you identify. Regardless of where I try to go with the rationalization, I have always believed that “all things work together for the good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose.” Aha! I am just quoting that scripture off of the top of my head and look what is at the end of it! “His purpose.” I have relied on that scripture for years to make all of my uniformed, ignorant choices okay. I have always believed that no matter how bad I mess it up; God can use the circumstances to work things together for my good. And now I see it all so clearly, “for those who are called according to His purpose.”

So, I will not fret over what I sometimes call "the wasted years." I have learned from them. I move forward. Today is a day of purpose for me. I will not waste another day wandering the earth with no purpose. I will not be Cain. Thank you, Lord!

The Hard Body part:

Okay, today (Sunday) was to be a day of rest for my body. But as I just started exercising I felt like I should do something. I was going to walk the dogs but my day got away from me (that doesn’t sound so purposeful, does it?). So, I opted for a 2-mile walk in the comfort of my living room. You’ve probably seen the instructor on an infomercial; Leslie Sansome. She’s delightful. The walk is easy yet the heart rate gets up. She’s very encouraging and I do not at all get tired of listening to her. And, though she is clearly very fit, she has a “real” body. Birthing hips! I also like that she wears modest attire and is not flaunting ripped shoulders at me with every “reach!” She seems like a nice lady and 40 minutes with her was so great, I will do it again very soon.

I am also going to start doing a little bit of yoga with my lighter workouts (about 10 minutes). The stretching is so good for you. There are, or course, several workouts to choose from on Cox Freezone. And in case you are wondering, I don’t embrace the various religions that tend to go hand-in-hand with yoga. I have friends who think that yoga is a bad choice for Christians. I think that so much of what is part of yoga is exactly what Jesus talked about; renewing your mind, meditating on things that are “good, honest, lovely and of good report,” and taking good care of yourself. So, my encouragement is, do the yoga! When the instructor says something I don’t agree with spiritually, I just move on, filling my mind with worship and praise to God as I relax and stretch. It’s very rewarding!

I have found another fun website resource (link to the right on the homepage) for Prevention magazine. There are several 60-second videos with some great information. I watched one video explaining how, after eating a cheeseburger, you should dig into some frozen yogurt in order to reduce fat absorption. It’s true! Check it out!

And here are a few fun tips from my Fitness Magazine:

Good for you goodies:

If you’re craving: Dig into:

Chocolate Chip Cookies Kahsi TLC Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Chip cookies. These are packed with so many “good for you” ingredients. (I have had these and they are terrific. They have high calories for a snack though, so you will only want one… but you’ll really want two!)

Brownies Glenny’s All Natural 100 Cal Brownies. They’re gooey, rich, low in fat (0 trans fats), high in fiber and individually packaged for easy portion control.

Cake Amy’s Organic Orange Cakes. All natural with no trans or saturated fat and only 180 calories per thick slice, this pound cake won’t pack on the pounds.

I hope the “hard body” part of your day includes some “heart healthy” moving about and a “heart healthy” goody like a Kashi Chocolate Chip cookie! Target sells them. J

The Head Part:

Well, tomorrow (which is actually today as I am writing this a day late) is the start of my “head” journey. This week I will focus only on my CSET studying. Please pray for me! I have one week to bone up on Algebra (basic, so not too bad) and geometry (ugh! This is torture for me!) I also need to learn all I can about science and physical education. If you are wondering why I waited until now to start, Quinn has been home on break for the past 3 weeks. I cannot study with him in the house. Now, I could have scheduled some time to go the library after Todd got home from work to get a head start on this, but the truth is I do best under pressure. Having a short time frame in which to study really helps me focus. Of course, sometimes procrastinating hurts me in that I run out of time. That’s the risk here. Hopefully 5 days will be enough to get me where I need to be. Once the CSET is passed I can then focus on marketing my voice studio and looking for some local auditions to do some singing for my supper. My goals then, related to the “head” part of this purposeful living are:

1. Pass my CSET on 1/9

2. Pass my CBEST on 1/26

3. Market my voice studio (10 students by March 1)

4. Audition for local singing opps (studio work, musicals, San Diego Opera Chorus)

So that’s my day “3” of my 40 days of purposeful living!

If you have a second, send me an email or Facebook message and let me know how your journey is coming along!

Loving you “on purpose”,

Natalie

Kicking off my 40 Days of Purpose

Today is New Year’s Eve. It is this time of year I confront an important issue for me; I am a pessimist. I used to call myself a realist.

But let’s get real.

I’m a pessimist.

I have always looked down my nose on New Year’s resolutions. My thought has been, “If I can’t do it in June, why would I do it in January?” It just did not make sense to me. My husband, on the other hand, loves to makes New Year’s resolutions. He is an optimist! I love that about him. And so, I have watched him in New Year’s past through my pessimistic eye; make not one step in the direction of the resolution he has set for himself. Not because he’s not a truly great guy- he is. Not because he is not truly sincere, as he is. And not because he has not tried, because he has. But because, like me, he lacks that mystical blob within called “will power.”

You see, the pessimist in me does not believe in “will power.” I know this from practical experience. In my life when I have forced myself to do the things that I do not want to do, though I have had temporary success, I have not had lasting success. This is because I have not been consistent. The weight is gained, and the hair is cut. (You know the willful statements, “I am never gaining this weight back”… or “I am never cutting my hair again!”) So you see, the realist in me (or the pessimist, however full or empty the glass is) knows that I have little power over my will today. But, I do have the power to change over the course of my tomorrows. And that is what this blog is all about. And that truly is my New Year’s Resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution: Change me.

It’s actually less of a resolution and more of a prayer. Because I know that to change this year I cannot do it alone. I know that change in my attitude comes with change in my behavior, which comes from change in my belief system (thank you Dr. Phil). And I know I can’t change my belief system without the help of my savior. So, I am embarking on my “40 day change me” by seeking God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit first. I believe that everything else will follow.

The changed me will be healthier. She’ll be thinner (but not by much). She’ll be a better wife, mother, pet-mommy, sister, daughter and friend. She’ll be a more balanced person. That doesn’t mean she’ll be a perfect person. But she will have a renewed spirit, one that trusts in God completely. No more fear.

Knowing God better is my ultimate goal.

So I am going to spend today outlining my lofty, but obtainable goals. I will journal every day for the next 40 days about my experience.

Every day for the next 40 days will be purposeful regarding my body, mind & spirit (more on this in the next entry).

When I am done I will share the measurement of my waistline, the status of my “heart”, the status of my relationships, and the status of my career.

In the bible, God used “40 days” as a measurement for many things. In quoting Rick Warren from his incredible book The Purpose Driven Life:

The Bible is clear that God considers 40 days a spiritually significant time period. Whenever God wanted to prepare someone for his purposes, he took 40 days:

o Noah’s life was transformed by 40 days of rain.

o Moses was transformed by 40 days on Mt. Sinai.

o The spies were transformed by 40 days in the Promised Land.

o David was transformed by Goliath’s 40-day challenge.

o Elijah was transformed when God gave him 40 days of strength from a single meal.

o The entire city of Nineveh was transformed when God gave them 40 days to change.

o Jesus was empowered by 40 days in the wilderness.

o The disciples were transformed by 40 days with Jesus after his resurrection.

40 days with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Word, exercise, Todd, Quinn and my pen. Here we go!

To end this first entry I am going to quote one of my favorite authors and theologians, C.S. Lewis who wrote, “Prayer doesn’t change God. Prayer changes me.”

Amen and amen.